Never Forget

[K9 Police]

It has been awhile now, but it seems like yesterday. Another officer sent on a call where a 16 year old female was missing, and left a suicidal note. Spent the entire shift looking for her. In the woods, near ponds and waterways, at stores, everywhere. Morning came and we were able to gather a larger search party for her. Searched the woods near the house again and we found her. She committed suicide by hanging herself in the woods.

Underneath her was a notebook, indicating the reasons; mostly because of a boy. I had so many different emotions going through me. I had to do my job, but yet I couldn't believe it. Here we were with a teenager who committed suicide and not 500 feet away was a major highway where people were going on their normal business. Most likely clueless to the tragedy. Went through the procedure, and contacted the family. To say it was difficult is an understatement. I, along with officers, talked about the call for days. I found myself extremely emotional, especially when driving by the woods where it took place.

A week and a half later, the father of the girl also committed suicide. He also hung himself, although this time in a parking garage where attempts to save him unfortunately failed.

Veteran officers, along with myself who was more new, had trouble dealing with the call. Two human beings gone by their own hand, and the wife/mother having to deal with two deaths. The different thoughts and emotions are too long and in-depth to go into. But, I can tell you that you go from feeling sorry, to being mad, to being emotional, to being mad that you are emotional over someone you never met. Why did she do this? Why did he do it after he saw what her death did to everybody? Was it that tough that death was the only option? Was there anyone that they could turn to? Were there warning signs that could have prevented this? Why didn't we find her earlier? Could we have saved her? I wish God could tell me the answers.

So, I was thinking about critical incidents and decided to write about an incident that has stuck with me. My career is young, and I am positive there will be more that I will handle. I am hoping that this might open the door to talking about suicide, and the feelings and emotions surrounding it. To perhaps someone you personally know, or to something you handled on-duty. To me it seems that sometimes it is looked down upon to talk about suicide. I believe differently. It could save a life.

Just my thoughts.

K9

[Bosox21]

I had a teammate on my HS football team who shot himself with his dads gun. When I first heard it I was shocked and confused then very very sad. You grow so close to your teammates going through workouts and practices and such, It was so hard to focus and him not being at practice was so hard to deal with. It turns out on of the Deans of our HS who was his HS Baseball manager threatned to call the police and have him arrested for getting into a fight with a kid on the Baseball team. It was a stupid thing to kill yourself over but I guess the Dean said the Police were going to come to his house and arrest him, When the news broke and the public found out that happened I was pissed. Anyway The best thing to do is just talk out your problems, and what I've learned things will ALWAYS seem better if you sleep on your decision, don't make any decisions bases on your initial feelings.

[Time Traveller]

In my 17 almost 18 year career. I have been to the funerals of four agents who have taken there own life. I have known another three. Everytime it was "Great person" "They would do anything for you" and on and on....

The one question that is never answered is "Why?"

I tell all the SSA and SA's who work for me. Leave it in the office....Don't take it home with you.....Don't live and breath the job....Have something on the outside....I hope it sinks in...

But inevitably it is something on the outside that caused it....but because we are what we are, we are either to vain, or proud to ask for help. Most agencies have a Employee Assistance Person...they have non-disclosure and they can get folks the help that they need.

I only wish that people would take advantage of what is available...nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life...

[ATF SAC]

There is a huge conflict in this business when you think about it. The message of the day is handle it, lead, be strong, be a warrior. We probe each other in jest all the time assessing whether our back is well covered. Changing a bit, good leadership is more likely to get in a debrief counselor and model that there is an expectation that we pay a human price for working in such a job. I was blessed in ATF that I could dole out admin leave after a particularly tough run and give a group or a troop an off day.

But in the larger culture of rub dirt on it and stay in the game, suicide is a toughy. Add in that most of our faiths condemn it is a sin, and it is a rare blessing when someone comes forward and says I need some help to keep going. Not unusual either for one suicide to trigger others. Got to apply a keen eye. Person having a lot of stuff at work and you know they have some personally. Causes a behavior change. Say some key words, like can't get it out of my mind, can't sleep, can't get up in the morning. Peers and bosses need to know it is very rare someone will take themselves off roster, so it is the job of bosses and peers to do it . Stress is not depression, but it can feed it and deepen it. Had no problem making a referal to EAP and if got pushback doing a fitness for duty. Old lifeguard trick, get to people before they are convinced they are in trouble.

One of the benefits of a good peer support program is like the benefits of a good tactical program. You have folks seeded in the groups who have the skills and training to make this all work better.

[dmclark]

If I may...a short story on the importance of practicing Stress Management EVERY DAY and not just paying it lip service.

Several years ago, we had a DEA Agent report for an evening shift in a wire room. He went to his desk, seemingly to store his lunch or firearm. Well, he pulled out a .380 PPK and smoothly put it to his head and pulled the trigger. Everyone was grief stricken and his wife and kids were dumbfounded. He never spoke of perceived pressures or other personal issues that were eating at his guts.

One of the deepest affected was his Group Supervisor, who lamented that he should have seen it coming and WHY didn't the agent reach out and talk to the G/S? He could have helped him and communication was SO important.

Almost one year to the day, this same G/S went into a motel room in NJ, put a .357 to his heart and pulled the trigger. Suicide due to marital problems that HE never talked about. I lost a good friend that day.

Communication is the byword here. There are scores of valuable programs and practioners to help you out. You're not alone, there are thousands that have gone before you with the same issues. Reach out and TALK to someone.

Perhaps a first step would be to ask some questions on this forum and better understand some of the common problems we all share. DM

[krellum]

I knew an FBI agent in Minneapolis who, suddenly and without warning, killed himself a few years ago. I didn't know him well, but had passed a couple of cases to him and he had sent a couple my way.

However, I knew his supervisor a lot better. Great guy. This ASAC ended up feeling guilty about the agent's death, blaming himself, thinking he should have done something, etc. No way he could have known and no way he could have stopped it. Period. Difference is that this particular guy TALKED about how he felt to his colleagues, who told him the obvious: not your fault. He may not have ended up trying to kill himself over it, but you never know. He's still working and enjoying his life today and part of the reason for that may just be because he wasn't too much of a "tough guy" to tell someone how he felt. Sometimes it's as simple as letting someone know.

k