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View Full Version : 1st Time Witnessing Loved One's Passing


Ozarks911
01-11-2004, 20:42
My Gradfather was admitted to the local hospital for the flu on 12/4 and left our world on 1/6. Mom and I were with him when the nurse came in and told us they called the time of death at 05:35 a.m. This was my first experience, up close and extremely personal, being with someone when they die.

While my Grandfather was in the hospitl, my Dad was also hopitalized for a week before Christmas (Diagnosis: CHF, COPD, and emphysema). He lives alone and I had to be there with him. Had to be there; wanted to be there; and needed to be there. Would have been easier if he didn't live so far away.

At the same time, I also felt like I had to be here with Mom for Grandpa, and work as well. Wanting and needing to be three places at once really sucked. Couldn't work off the stress in my usual manner by going to the gym because all of my spare time was spent bedside at hospitals. Stayed overnight with Grandpa for three nights before he passed and would probably feel just terrible if I hadn't.

Gave a brief personal eulogy at his funeral and was a pallbearer (sp?) when we went graveside. (Female pallbearers aren't uncommon my sister and I were told.)

Just returned home from being away for about four days. Road trip with Mom ;) to stay with relatives before, during and after the funeral. Actually got drunk last night with my cousin. Ten shots of tequilla didn't phase me and I drink, at the most, three times a year.

Will go to the gym tomorrow then back to work. My back has been hurting so bad when I sit that I almost need help getting up. Fingers are crossed that going back to working out regularly will cure that.

So, if you've made it through my ramblings this far, thanks, and I've got a question: Is it selfish of me to want to go off and be alone for a couple of days? This means that my Mom, who lives just across the street, will be alone pretty much when I'm away. I feel like my compsure button is going to explode if I have to keep answering questions and making big decisions, and the lakeside cabin beckons.:star:

AuntieDispatche
01-11-2004, 21:16
I don't think it's selfish, I think it's necessary. If being alone will help you restore and reenergize yourself, then do it. You won't be any help to your Mom if you are struggling to keep your composure or worse, lose it with her. You've had a really stressful couple of months, take the time for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else is going to. Just my opinion...Take care. Maybe you need to try and fly the helicopter again .:D

Mary

ATF SAC
01-11-2004, 21:23
You have a bunch and our thoughts and prayers are with you. At the same time, you have to take the time for yourself. As you focus on physical fitness to work through some back pain; focus equally on some psychic battery charging to focus on the loss and the ongoing demands on your spirit and emotional strength. Consider this a good haven to come to in the coming weeks and let us know how you are doing..

TANKMGA8
01-11-2004, 23:33
First off, I am very sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Second it is not only not selfish to want to go spend time by yourself, I think that it is important to get by yourself and deal with some of this, you will have to deal with this with your family, but each person handles death differently, and must deal with it individually. You can and I recomend having a support network, they are great to talk to and cry to. When I lost my dad I was 21 yoa, I was married and I did not deal with it very well, until I got alone and prayed about it, then I went and spoke with my wife about it. Share your hurt and share the great memories as well.

And like ATF SAC said, know that you can come here and have a haven from all the pressures you have been under for quite some time.

Flippy
01-12-2004, 15:50
No, it's not selfish at all. You've suffered a loss and you need to deal with that the best way you can. Everyone grieves differently, but the important thing is that you do grieve. It's the only way to healing.

My condolences to you and your family.

Duckie911
01-13-2004, 12:30
Very sorry for the pasisng of your grandfather, being there for it does actually help a little, though it may take some time to realize that.
After everything you have gone through between the hospitals and work and holidays YOU NEED A BREAK! The best thing to do is to take time to yourself. More than once I have just thrown clothes in the back of my truck and headed for the beach with my best friend (who has cancer) when things start piling up. It helps to restore and relax my mind. You can not be a help to anyone without taking care of yourself first. Your mom might need her own time too.
Hope this helps, feel free to e-mail me if you want to "vent".
Dee

will2335
01-13-2004, 19:47
I lost my sister two years ago in a drowning that the police called an accident because there was no evidence to prove otherwise but there is still a lot of specualtion and then last January I lost my father to cancer related to ancient orange from Vietnam at 55 years old. I have three kids and a wife and there are some days I am just torn to pieces inside but have to be strong because I don't want my family to see me upset. It is coming up on one year in 5 days for my dads passing and I am really having a hardtime with it but I am dealing with it. You have to deal with it the way you feel right, I have been asked by one of my Bi about this and the only way I could answer was you don't forget about it or get over it you just deal with it. I have been trying to be a cop for years and I have been very close and I wanted so bad for my Dad to see me as a police officer and finally 9 months after he passed i was offered a job. Ozarks911 just hang in there and there may be times where you will need to cry when you are alone and if you feel that need just don't hold back.

Ozarks911
01-15-2004, 06:46
Many Thanks go to Mary, Jack, Harold, Flippy, Dee and Will!!!!

The reservations for the cabin have been made. Must have been fate because it is one of the most popular cabins and was available this weekend, just when I needed it most.

Everyone around the PD has, for the most part, been understanding. Our Chief arranged my days off and the three days of funeral leave so that I didn't lose any time or $$.

Mother understands that I need to be alone and we've arranged for the neighbors to get together for a dinner while I'm away. They will all be pitching in and taking care of my German Shep and cat while I'm gone.

We're so lucky this forum was created. Let's hope that when the others in our group need support, they know they can come here and get it.

Love you All!!!!!

Michelle