friends

[Archangel]

I have been with my agency for more than 6 months, and during this time I thought that I would have a bunch of good friends. When I say friends, I mean people, who you can depend on, hang out with, etc. While I would say that most of my "acquaintances" are my classmates from the academy, whom I work the same shift with, I haven't been able to form true friendships like the ones I had back home. Case in point I was talking to a "supposed friend" and he always brings up this one subject and belittles me about it with some snide remark. I figured if he is a true friend he would see that it is bugging me. However, he continues to belittle me at the expense of trying to make himself look good. I have spoken to him to find out if we are "friends" and he said yes, however his actions don't seem to mimic his words. This person got upset when I didn't invite him to a gathering at my house, (it was a small gathering(2 couples), my fiancée invited a couple and I did the same. It happened to be a co-worker whom I hadn’t seen in awhile) so I have been more thoughtful in having him invited to gatherings I have. I have also been stood up by this person, a few times without a call saying hey I can't make it out tonight let's reschedule. I have just about written him off. I told my s/o that I don't even want him invited to the wedding now.

I think I am a social person, outgoing. I have been told that I am personable. I go out after work with these people, invite them out for weekend outings, but I don't have them asking me out for weekend outings. Before I moved I could walk down the street and know a number of people walking by, I am at my wits end in trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. That is not to say that I don't have a few friends, maybe 3 or 4.

Also, it seems that these people I work with are in third grade. Always bitching and moaning about what other people do/or are getting. It seems that I am always having to defend myself to those who are the same rank as I, and who entered the job at the same time and I did.

I was just wondering if anyone else has/had this problem when they moved to start their job. Or are facing similar problems now that they are on the job

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

The Archangel

[deaspy]

I know exactly what you are going through. When I left the active Air Force and went civilian, the same thing happened with me. We used to all get to gether hang out have a good time and not have to worry about anyone or anything. Now, I can't seem to find the same type of friends. The people I work with are generally much older and dont live any where near me. The people that live near are generally distrustful of the government folks. We do however talk to one of our neighbors that are retired G.

In your case, I would not worry. Eventually you find those people that are like you. But, it is very hard to establish relationships they way we did back home.

Hope this was remotely helpful.

take care,
John
In the woods of Northern Virginia.

ps. just wanted to add, We used to be very social, but now I kind of like not haveing people show up at the house and not having to go any where. Makes for quiet family weekends.

[MaryHelenMadrid]

Hi Archangel---I noticed this is really bothering you. I have a few ideas/suggestions. They come from years of moving around and getting resituated myself.

Some places are just non-welcoming. It takes time for acceptance in some jobs due to the amount of pressure faced at work. The best place to start is AT WORK. If there is someone there that you really admire and want to be friends with, perhaps they need to see HOW you work, how you value your partners, how you listen, how you think ahead about needs they might have on-the-job as you are working together, eg. got their back.

Sometimes you just have to be quiet and help. Showing real interest in something THEY really care about WITHOUT mentioning what YOU want and concentrating on them may be the key here. They are giving you clues all the time into what they really want.... If this is not possible---and they do the third grader thing---then perhaps these are not people to associate with at or away from work, period. Do not show disdain---it takes all people to make the world go 'round. Surely they could "pick up on" your disdain when this happens? People only go where they feel accepted. People appreciate being around an up person but not a pollyanna. You do. Don't dis'.

If you consider yourself "new" or in anyway inexperienced, this may be what is holding them back---people do not like to make friends if they think you will leave once you drain them of everything they know!!! Teaching newbies can be exhausting. This really gets old. How committed are you to this place?

Reevaluate what YOU contribute. You definitely could be having to prove yourself, your ability and your credibility. Role-model good friend traits to others before expecting them in return! I know, some folks are just downright mean and not nice and clique-ish.

Over the years I maintain dear friends from my other "lives" and I relax---if I am to make friends where I am, I will.

Meetings and projects and those tough times shared, are only parts of the process.

Cultivate a rep of being a good listener---sounds like you are already---people gripe around you---either you invite it or help them in some way. This is not all bad.

Join a group OUTSIDE work that really interests you---you should establish a non-law enforcement-related activity anyway! Broaden your horizons. Find out more about the place you are living. For example, go to the museum, library,etc. You never know who might be needing a friend because they are somewhat new as well.

Anyway--start looking at what it is you really want in a friend---emulate some of these traits yourself---like DOES attract like!

As I said---perhaps you are just going thru that "sizing-up" stuff that happens on all jobs. It is really uncomfortable. We have all been there.

Hang in there...the experiences that meld folks together will come. Do your job the best you can!

Hope this helps. Your poor little Smilie's heads can stop banging them against the wall one of these days!

Rev MH

[FastDak911]

I agree with deaspy and also understand what you are going through. I had a good group of friends before I went into the Army. After I went into the Army all my friends pretty much disowned me and it hurt for awhile. After I got out of the Army I tried to get back into the swing of things with my old friends and it didn't work. I got into dispatching and realized the people I work with seemed immature or older then me. I have learned I like my life the way it is now. I don't have to worry about keeping friends happy and worry about them not being there for me. Instead I found that my best friend is my fiancee. I would rather spend time with her over anyone.

[Archangel]

Thank you all for your advice I am taking it all in. I suppose I was trying to do in one year what I did in over five. I have been trying to become friends with everyone, but that is not a reasonable thing to expect. So I will take the friendships that I have made and make the best out of them.


The Archangel :)

[Rasputin]

I have been with my agency for more than 6 months, and during this time I thought that I would have a bunch of good friends. When I say friends, I mean people, who you can depend on, hang out with, etc. While I would say that most of my "acquaintances" are my classmates from the academy, whom I work the same shift with, I haven't been able to form true friendships like the ones I had back home. Case in point I was talking to a "supposed friend" and he always brings up this one subject and belittles me about it with some snide remark. I figured if he is a true friend he would see that it is bugging me. However, he continues to belittle me at the expense of trying to make himself look good. I have spoken to him to find out if we are "friends" and he said yes, however his actions don't seem to mimic his words. This person got upset when I didn't invite him to a gathering at my house, (it was a small gathering(2 couples), my fiancée invited a couple and I did the same. It happened to be a co-worker whom I hadn’t seen in awhile) so I have been more thoughtful in having him invited to gatherings I have. I have also been stood up by this person, a few times without a call saying hey I can't make it out tonight let's reschedule. I have just about written him off. I told my s/o that I don't even want him invited to the wedding now.

I think I am a social person, outgoing. I have been told that I am personable. I go out after work with these people, invite them out for weekend outings, but I don't have them asking me out for weekend outings. Before I moved I could walk down the street and know a number of people walking by, I am at my wits end in trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. That is not to say that I don't have a few friends, maybe 3 or 4.

Also, it seems that these people I work with are in third grade. Always bitching and moaning about what other people do/or are getting. It seems that I am always having to defend myself to those who are the same rank as I, and who entered the job at the same time and I did.

I was just wondering if anyone else has/had this problem when they moved to start their job. Or are facing similar problems now that they are on the job

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

The Archangel

At my first POE, which was staffed primarily by Hispanic officers, IT WAS FAMILY. Even the Supervisors. I am not kidding. I still love most of the people I worked with down there and I still remain in contact with about a dozen of them. Why? They were good people. Their wives, their kids. It was wonderful. The 8 plus hours of drinking beer and eating High quality Mexican food on days off didn't hurt either. My second Poe, a northern border POE is the opposite. We are not a tight knit group. It truely is a shame.