Terminal Illness - Dealing

[Mongo]

There are always a multitude of stressors in our lives. Work, family, friends, other....etc. Most of the time I'm a pretty calm person and can deal with most stress head on by putting it in perspective. When crap hits the fan, I'm always the guy saying, "It could always be worse.". I always think the worst thing that can happen in any situation is the loss of life.

In July of 2002 I lost the first person in my life that I was very close to, my Grandmother. She fought the good fight against cancer but ultimately lost. Making it even worse, my Grandmother was the one person above all that supported any career decisions. It meant a lot to me.

Currently, I am again in a situation where somebody in my life is battling cancer and is losing the battle. My father-in-law is rapidly deteriorating with lung cancer and in the future he will lose his life.

In both instances I have played a role that I'm not too pround of. For whatever reason, I continually try to remain optimistic about outlooks even when I know the worst is coming. While this helps the people around me and gives them some comfort in seeing a positive attitude - sometimes it tears me up inside because I don't express my real feelings and fear. I don't think there is any way to totally avert the stress that this is causing me, but I'm wondering if anybody has gone through similiar times and their experiences.

Any help or direction is appreciated.

[Cam]

[UR2NYSP]

cam, i was going to PM you at some point about this -- we're in "similar" situations -- kind of. we're both going for NYSP, we'll both be there in august for the PAT, and we both have special family circumstances. for me, it's my daughter. she has a very rare genetic disorder (less than 300 known cases in the world). everything is new to us -- she is our first child, but it is all new to the doctors and specialists she sees, too (she has 11 drs/specialists/therapists, etc. thank god for early intervention). she has severe developmental delays, and the thought of being placed 4 hrs away from home tears me up (as does a 6 mo. academy!), but like you, there is no way we could move. luckily we have a lot of family/friends spread throughout the state and her father lives close by (and luckily they support my career change fully). now she's due with our 2nd in 3 weeks, and she's obviously paranoid about this 2nd child (this syndrome can't really be detected by ultrasound and there is no genetic testing). it's very difficult to remain optimistic, and i can't know how she feels after carrying the baby all this time. i'm an optimist, but inside it scares the crap out of me.

anyway, mongo, i was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago. my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a very progressed stage of ovarian cancer a month after my wife and i were married. 4 months later she was gone.
while we spent her last months in the hospital next to her bedside, there is one piece of advice that my dad (he's clergy) gave to me and my wife's family that helped us all immensely. that was for every family member to get everyone else out of the room, take as much time as they needed, and just talk to her. it may sound corny, but believe me it was one of the most relieving and comforting feelings i ever felt, even though i knew she could not respond other than through a slight hand squeeze and the faintest smile. by using this time, you can let out all the feelings that you need to convey to your FIL and also the fears and pains that you are feeling. this can be very theraputic to you, and it can help the family, too. perhaps it will help them to open up more and establish a dialog where you all can let your guard down some. or it may just "empty the tanks", which is fine, too. i know it's different being the in-law and looking in, but you would be amazed how many feelings everyone has pent up, even the strongest person, and it's OK to let that out if you need. don't get me wrong, it is also good for the group to remain strong, if you are the "strong person" in the group -- only you will know what is right to do.
good luck to you -- i'll be praying for you and your family.
PM if you want (you too cam)

bb

[Signal9TN]

Mongo,

I know how you feel. I lost my Father-in_law last June and my Dad this March.

My Father-in-Law died from cancer, he had kidney cancer and it was suposed to be all gone but he suddenly deveopled a brain tumer and went down hill very fast. He was a very kind, intelligent man and ended up not knowing who he was, who his wife or daughter were. Sometimes he would have moments of clarity, which was the worst because he realized in those brief moments how far he was gone and it hurt him quite a bit. I did the best I could for my wife and gave her what support she needed (she had lost her mom in 87, her Step-Dad in Dec 02 and her Uncle in Jan 03), she had a hard time as she and her Step-Mom never got along very well. She was able to vist him a few times befoe he died and that heped her alot.

My father had smoked since the 40's. He developed oral cancer in 90, lost a leg due to smoking in 94 and a host of other health probelms/cancers from smoking (but her never quit till just before he died). He was in the hospital 4 times for pneumonia betwen Jan and March at the age of 74 and it took it's toll on him. We went up to visit him the hospital the last time when my Mother told us that they had decided to do Hospice and get him out of the hospital and home (he hated hospitals) as all the docters and medicine was doing was prolonging the inevitabale and not really helping him any. I took comfort in being able to talk to him those last few days, as hard as it was to talk with him about his dieing. I had just got into an Inverstigative position at the SO and he was very proud of me, it was nice seeing him smile. I too am the "look for the positive" kind of guy, so that was the support I tried to give the rest of my family.

When we took him home from the hospital I helped coordinate things with the medic guys as it was sometime the "Cop Jeff" could do and not focus on my Dad's health. He got home around 4pm and my Mother, my wife and I went to dinner while my sister looekd after Dad. We made plans to come by around 9am or so to take the next shift so my Mother could not have to worry about taking care of him and spend time just with him. One of my sister was spwending the night and she caleld about 11pm and asked if we could come over around 6am as my father was not sleeping at all (he was on ambiam for sleeping, an anti-anxity med, a morhine patch, and morphine drops for pain, the hospice nurses said give him the drops when ever he asked for them, he had about 4 times the normal daily ammount and was still up and being carnky!) She called again about 4am and said to come over now. The drive from the hotel only took about 15 mins but seemd like houers, afraid of what I would find.

When we got there my sister and mother told us that he had been up all night, even with all the meds and would not stay in bed(he had a wheel chair due to the loss of a leg and his inability to use his artificial one curently).
He had pulled most of his clothes off and was demanding to go to the bathroom even though he had a cathater in. Again, it was time for "Cop Jeff", I made deal with him that if he got dresssed I would help him get to the bathroom. He agreed and we got him dressed as well as we could and wheeled him to their bedroom. Just after he sat down he sighed once and closed his eyes, my Mother asked if he had gone to sleep. I said maybe, even though I knew what aad happend and told her we should get him back onto his wheel chair. When I went to pick him up I knew he was gone. My Mother looked at me and asked if he was gone, I went into "Cop Jeff" again and said Im not sure and yelled for my sisters and wife to help. We got him onto his wheelcahir and out of a bathroom that normaly two people could barley fit into(which later became a bad joke, that dad had picked the smallest room in the house...). We got him back to bed and called hospice(in Il, where they live they hospice can pronounce death and notify the docter over the phone). The hardest part for me was seeing my Mother so sad. I sat with my father until the funerual home guys came to get him because that was what my Mother wanted...again being strong for my family.

What you have to do is when it is over and you do not need to be strong anymore find someone to talk to about it, someone who has been through the same thing you have. It is just like Critical Incident Debriefing that we do for Cops. We can not be strong all the the time and there is a time and place to be strong and then a time to talk about your feelings and let someone help you like you helped your family.

Boy, did not mean to type so much or tell my story on your thread but this is the first time I really sat down and went over the whole thing agian and once I staretd I had to finish.

[Mongo]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. Hearing that other people at least know what I'm talking about is somewhat comforting. The situation is pretty complex, guess I'll just live it day by day and keep my head up.

For the first time, I hope ICE doesn't call until the new FY.

[netman1019]

Hey man,

I know a bit about loss since what my wife and I went through since Thanksgiving. We lost a baby and my wife lost both her uncle and her grandmother. Plus her grandmother passes away while I'm at FLETC and she's still hurting from her uncle and our baby.

All this was really getting to me big time. It's good that you are being strong for her and providing support. However best advice I can give you is DON'T bottle up what you're feeling to spare her. She probably wants to know how you're feeling. Talk with her about it. One of the biggest things my wife and I have worked on since we've been together is not feeling like we are burdening the other person with our issues. That whole, "You were going through so much that I didn't want to burden you with my $#!t". You'd be amazed at what we're capable of doing even during times of stress. I tell my wife (and mean it) that she NEVER burdens me with her problems. I WANT to hear about them. I'm her husband for God's sake, you know? :) If she can't share her stressors, anxiety, problems with me...what then?

Same holds true for you. You won't burden her.

I think there's this sense that one will overwhelm their partner...you won't. In fact it'll create an even stronger bond between the two of you. We want to be considerate of what they're going through and we internalize things. Not to say you're doing that, but avoid it if you are.

Just know that my prayers are with you and your wife during this time. You will make it through this. And I really admire the perspective you've had between your family and obtaining a federal LE job (USMS, CBP and now the ICE opportunity). You've had to make some really tough choices, but it's all going to work out for you.

Jim

[sahdes18]

I too, can relate to some degree. I lost my mom/best friend to colon cancer 6 1/2 years ago. She was diagnosed in Jan. '95 with Stage 4 CC at teh age of 47. Originally, she was given 18 months to live (which I did not know until the night before she passed), but she lived just shy of 3 years.

Although I am blessed to have a wonderful dad, 2 awesome brothers and a wonderful sister (plus in-laws and friends), there's not a day that goes by where I don't shed a tear or feel my heart break over my mom's passing. Though the pain has lessened a bit, it's still hurts like hell. And to make matters worse lately, I've just found out a dear friend has Stage 3 Breast Cancer. It's just really hard at times.


Sorry for the ramble....just know that there are people here who will support you in anyway they can :)

All the best to you!