Spouses cheating on their husbands

[fsualum.]

I have a very good friend and coworker who has suspected that his wife has been cheating on him. Today, his suspicions came true. His wife (26 years-old) has been intimate with a man old enough to be her dad (he's 44 years-old!) who is also married. This has gone on for the past 3 months.

My friend and his wife have been married for 7 years and they have a young child together. He loved her and has always been deeply devoted to her. He has sacrificed a lot for her and always put her before him. I am deeply upset over this and my prayers are with him.

My buddy is still in shock and is confused about whether to seek an attorney who specializes in divorce law or to try and keep the marriage together. She has admitted to it, but only after being confronted about telling lie after lie and being shown hard evidence -- phone calls, emails, cards, gifts, she even gave this guy a sentimental gift that she had given her husband five years ago that was a charm split in half with a biblical scripture and symbol on it about a husband and wife always being together (he got one piece, and she got the other). This guy she has been sleeping around with even took her shopping for rings and bought her an anniversary type ring! He gave her a key to his house too. With all of that occurring, I'm not so sure he can believe anything his wife says. His wife told him that she doesn't want a divorce and still wants to be with him. He doesn't know whether to believe her or not, and if he can accept her apology.

It is a sad topic, but I wanted to reach out to the board members for support, and to anyone who may know someone that this has unfortunately happened to. I would like to know if they were able to work things out, how they did so, and how they went about protecting their child/children from being emotionally hurt. Thanks.

[ATF SAC]

Those of thus that mod this forum often feel like shills for Dr. Phil. Problem? Counseling!

Absolutely here. The home study course on this is full of pain and anger and betrayal and cries out for a referee even to examine what happened and how they really feel about it. Can't and should not judge much second hand here, but your report shows a number of things and you are a good reporter. Little of him putting her on a pedestal (actually a human being not much better or worse than most) and her all but pasting clues on the refrigerator (cry for help - please catch me and rescue me). The Danger, Will Robinson sign here is that they are focusing on the child and not on each other. Child gets perfectly well that there is trouble going on; and for what seems the best of reasons, families in trouble, often quietly load it on the kid. Kid gets that too, that somehow, younger than 7 they have to do or be something to keep the family together.

Counselor worth anything will help them focus on themselves and sift the ashes from the fire that just happened and find out what survived and what they really want to do. Also can help them see the road ahead and maybe keep them off a bridge that is going to collapse or driving into a pothole.

Best result and not easy is whether they stick or break, they may learn enough to not spin into hatred. That would be a good thing for their offspring.

Also a cop's cautionary tale in here. Particularly early years. Spouse is alone, often afraid and is developing a sense that, "You love that job more than me."
Aggravated by an early year syndrome of not sharing what you should about work, "Only other cops understand," or "Leave it all at work." Fertile ground for an older "predator" or "harrasser" and the second may actually be present. Worst form of harassment is the seducer who covers manipulation with a gift.
Sometimes folks with problems at home get into it at work in a neutral way, but do not like the age disparity here.

Spouses failing is to go outside and not make the overt effort to address problems. Easier, got the husband or wife at home, got this opportunity to be admired. Lucky me, except for the horrible guilt, I can be rescued from this box my spouse keeps me in.

Again, easier to avoid than to fix and not a do it yourself project.

[pegaman]

From what I have been witness to, (maybe I'm cynical, but who isn't on this board), this is probably not the first time and, if it is, it won't be the last. But, the child has to be considered foremost and they ought to at least try to work it out. I agree with ATF SAC, sounds like she was posting billboards around town proclaiming her extramarital activities and wanted to be caught.

If things do not work out, my advice is, make sure no matter how pissed he might be at her, always.....always be civil about her around the kid. My parents split when I was two and to this day (30 plus years later) they still talk trash about each other. It has driven a now 12 year wedge between my sister and my dad and they don't talk at all.

[hemanvt]

I am going to have disagree with the both of you that he should try to work it out. She obviously hasn't put her child first, since she sleeping around, so she probably won't in the future and IMO why take the chance. I come from a long line of divorces (mom 2 times, dad 3 times) and I can say this with certainty.....if my dad and mom tried to work it out after my dad cheated on my mom I would have been worse off. Something as thick as betrayal is hard to let go, especially for a man. And holding on to anger and not being able to trust your spouse can be detrimental to the child. If she has been recieving anniversary gifts and what not, then this is obviously not a one night stand.....it is a relationship and she isn't simply going to just let go. Even if she can let go, most likely it will occur again.

Also, children are very smart and observe alot. So, trying to be civil with each other even though deep down you are angry is easily detected.

One last thing. ATF SAC, I don't think you meant this, but in my opinion just because you are dedicated to your job does not justfy cheating. Nothing does!

[hemanvt]

After reading my post I hope i didn't come of like a know it all or an a$$. Its just a sore subject with me and I think cheating is the worst thing you could do to someone your "supposed" to love. And its even worse when you have children involved.

[RiggsGirl03]

I have a female friend, with twins who are now 7 and 2 years ago her husband admitted to having an affair. With a woman who lived 2 HOUSES down the street from her, and their kids all went to school together. They split, and now her ex-husband lives with the woman. Good move on her part I think. Interesting thing is that this guy's sister cheated on her husband as well. Geez....is it genetic? :o

Personally, I think I'd not be able to stick with my s/o or spouse if he cheated on me. I just don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. I'd constantly wonder where he was.

I just wonder, from a child's perspective, does a parents staying together after one commits adultery make it look like one can cheat and get away with it, or does it make the one who did the forgiving look really good for being so forgiving?

I hope that everything works out for your friend and his family.

[Joe Friday]

Tell your buddy to D.T.B.

[ATF SAC]

First gang, do not get lost in this forum. Go up and read the stickies and get a sense that this is not your regular forum. You are all good shits and I love screwing around with you in News, or Firearms, or Drugs. People come in here with stuff that hurts and threatens them and you will comport yourselves like you would in church. Mods on this forum and the mods around them come in here with a very specific memory that caused us to set it up. We waited months until we were ready and I never come in here without thinking about someone. So please, with respect, no DTB one liners here, check your judgement at the door. Here we deal with the things that make the gun look edible, that hurt and which put a brother and sister officer down. Particular mods on the forum have worked with peer support, and have had experience and training and exposure to things analagous to holding your dying partner and going "You're Catholic, I think you want to tell me what you have to."

So no play, take the opinions and judgements to the forums set up for it (looking forward to wrestling there), here we are dealing with the pain and the wounded with care and openess and love. Couple of times some of us have posted here, I know we have run our answers by pros we know.

My advice is sound as a dollar and sorry for the absence of judgement, but judgement is not part of dealing with stress. Judgement adds to stress and creates stress. Not about God, or the system but about healing so we can face judgement or God with at least a clear story.

That said, scat, unless you have something to help a brother once removed go through hell except throw away advice.

Now, again, I stand by my advice. You can have a different world view but we can talk about that elsewhere. In fact don't scat, for a moment but hush. Someday, some of you are going to come to this facet of the work. I would pray that you don't because you can't get in except by a march through Hell.

Mods here are not clinicians, not MSW or Psych Phds. Just cops who respect the dispassion of those folks and need it, because each briefing is about something we know far too much about. Try to keep a lot of distance, which we would not do so much in the field. Field deployment is always followed up by a healing session for the peer counselors, because it is always dangerously personal. The resurrected Christ appeared to Thomas, who doubted what he saw until the Lord had Thomas place his hands in the wounds. Those that do this, usually voluntarily are far from Christ-like. However, in the doubting, cynical world of LE, that is what they do to heal a brother or sister, they allow them to touch their wounds and open understanding. Happens in LE because can't get folks to go to the help they need until they meet the peers that lead them to it and the peers they trust as one of them.

So, jibes and cracks and facile judgements or the judgement of how you interpret morals or God get checked at the door here or the mods will check you at the door.

Some of you post that you would like to distinguish the betrayal of one partner in a relationship from the behavior, "dedication" is the term used, of the other. Little sniff of worry coming off that. What I said was not either that the couple should stay together or split, that is entirely up to them. Bill and Hillary are often bad examples of a lot of things and often set up for facile judgement, but there is a possibilty that it is also a relationship of "for better or for worse," grounded in an abiding love for one another. Or ambition. I do not care. I care that a betrayed officer and his betraying spouse do not get into the right and wrong game until they both examine committment, love, responsibility and their contribution. I only open the suggestion that she went for physical and emotional offers of affection and that perhaps his great love affair with "The Job" was also a betrayal of their comittment. Give it 30 years and more and you will see enough of this to make it almost work a day.

Think leaving young lovely out of the loop to worship the new godhead of public service creates an obligation on her part to be a virgin in your service, probably you better sign off here and go tell her why you love and need her. Not sin; failing. Contributory negligence if you just have to judge.

Get your particular organ out of it, it is all about betrayal and need and change and opportunity and sin and failing. Sometimes it is also about forgiveness and soul comittment. That is for the couple. Our judgements are all crap and fear and confusion. Where we help is not with stupid advice but by saying shit happens, you both love the kids, maybe you really love one another but not seeing anyone who is blameless or blamed. You both have failed at something- which can mitigate hate so long as some asshole doesn't minimize a woman as bitch or a man as a bastard.

Me, my goals are simple. Get the officer on a track of support so he doesn't do something that I know will be both career destroying and perhaps life destroying. Try maybe to get something in place that will allow the affection that created a child, to be responsible for a child and not make a child responsible for its parents. Try to preserve affection or at least remove hate in what over nearly 60 years of hard business I have learned is all too common human faliblity and get my judgement out of the way of caring for all the wounded. You got that kind of confidence, training and experience, which I recognize in every mod who posts here, post. Otherwise, shut up and maybe watch and learn. Someday soon you too can mod here or do peer support. Sorry for that, but as low as I bow to my fellow officers, for those who care about this, I bow lower.

[AuntieDispatche]

Be there for your friend to listen and support whatever decision he makes. He and his wife already have enough people judging and second-guessing their actions. Sometimes just having a friend that listens without offering opinions or solutions is best. Ultimately, the decision has to be his and his alone.
A close friend of mine caught her spouse cheating. It was tough, but they eventually worked through it and are still together.
I will keep you and your friend in my prayers.

Mary

[fsualum.]

Thanks for the support everyone.

[hemanvt]

Great post ATF SAC and I will definitely take the advice.

[fsualum.]

One of the most detrimental things is that he confronted her about an affair several times and she denied everything. About a month ago, he had a heart-to-heart conversation with her one night and she swore on their son that she was not having an affair. What a big fat lie that turned out to be.

To make matters worse, this guy moved in to a house down the street from them. My friend now has to drive by this bastard's house every day knowing that his wife was over there in his house having unprotected sex with him. My friend also has to face the fact that he will see this guy again, whether it's at the mailbox or when leaving or entering the subdivision. He wants to break that guy's neck; only by figure of speech though, my buddy is a rational man and he won't resort to violence.

He is hurt that she bought this guy a pocketknife. In seven years of marriage, she never even bought her husband a pocketknife. As small as that may be, it is the principle of the matter that is hurtful.

My buddy is still at a crossroads and is unsure where to go and what to do. He has told his wife that he is willing to try and keep their marriage together, but he can's say that with certainty. He is trying to look into the best interests of their son while wondering if his wife is deserving of another chance. He is questioning whether or not he can still foresee being with her the rest of his life. He doesn't know if he loves her anymore. Trust is at the root of any relationship that has a chance at lasting, and right now there is no trust.

[ATF SAC]

fsualum, think you probably get this, but you are now on the worst kind of call, a domestic where you are close to one of the parties and maybe know both. Figure you know the rules, got to partition personal and professional a bit. This is really between him and her, and getting caught on a side can be a great way for them to focus on you as the problem. I agree and you should that some of the things he is sharing with you hurt. OK to acknowledge that and that you wish it had not happened. Extent you can express that you absolutely are there to be a willing ear and friend, but that you are not entirely neutral, is a good thing. Something along the lines of "Buddy, some of what hurts you is hurtful to me and makes me mad, but seems to be something there you are considering trying to save. How about a marriage counselor? They'll know more than me about how to decide what to do."

Ok for you to sneak in a call to EAP or whatever as well or call a marriage counseling hotline. Don't have to give anyone up. Just tell the tale. Might get a good clue or two you can use to help your friend and to help you help him and to help you while your helping him. I mean you are getting a fair look at the darkside of what happens behind closed doors, it is going to affect you too.

We are not voyeurs around here, looking for dirty details, but as he transfers his anguish and confusion to you, you can and should spit it out here, or via PM. When Christianity came to what is now the UK, they developed a sort of half pagan practice in which some serf became the sin eater. Had to eat a meal served on the corpse of a noble and in doing so it was believed he consumed the sins of the deceased. Imagine if that really worked, because in some ways you are consuming the sins and pain of this family and need to puke them up.

Try as best you can to acknowledge actions rather than judgements about people. I can see where giving the knife really hurts, damn. Not, she is an awful person unworthy of love or understanding and rotten to the core of her being. Also, your buddy is just on the edge. You're getting some responsibility from him for helping see clearly. Up the road, what he feels and she feels is likely to turn ugly with a child in the middle. Getting him in counseling or maybe both in counseling may be important to resolving what happens there. Family court judge cares less about what you think than what a pro testifies.

Only place I would feel free to make judgements is about Bosco up the street. Don't think your friend will be seeing all that much of him. By now he knows his little secret is out and is trying to pass cinder blocks worrying he is going to get named as a correspondant in a divorce. Or that your friend or his wife is going to ring the doorbell. Counsel against that, too loaded. Try to counsel not to act in anger or revenge there, put it in your pocket if you can't work it out so you can use it as grounds when you need it without having gotten into something that looks bad on you.

Last thing, do reading in the other threads in this forum. Couple deal with the stages of mourning and recovery. Important that you know about them, can get advise on them, because part of what you have to do is assess your friend and where he is and how he is progressing. Sorry man, he is a cop and you and others have to rely on him and he hasn't hit bottom yet, so you cannot put your professional side completely away. One of the primary reasons you want your friend in the hands of a pro.

[CGtoCop]

I was in your buddy’s shoes three years ago, hardest thing I have ever gone through. Now, being a betrayed (confirmed only recently, yes a three year puzzle) spouse myself I had to find a way to gain my confidence back after I thought my wife was sleeping with some other a-hole. I lost 25 pounds in a couple of months from all of the stress, I couldn’t sleep, cut my hair crew cut style…then something happened, I saw my ‘six pack’ abs for the first time in a long time and instead of concentrating on my divorce and how I couldn’t trust my wife…..I began to concentrate on myself, and the comments of the two hot sisters I had in the hot tub!! To be blunt I somehow appealed to women that didn’t want commitments just flings and that rebuilt my confidence. :D

I have a friend who is in the same predicament as fsualum’s friend…don’t know if it’s the same person but it sound similar…really similar but those situations suck and there are plenty of women out there who are better for him than he realizes. With that said…

1). Start a journal and write down as much as possible to keep your facts straight.
2).Get an attorney
3). CYA
and I believe Joe Friday put it well,
4). D.T.B. :cool:

My two cents, and no I didn’t have any children involved.

[Signal-C]

I might reccomend a book called "After the affair." Regardless of the eventual outcome (reconciliation or divorce) It has some useful information to help with the healing process for both the "cheater" and the "cheated".

[TXStateCop]

The whole thing is a very bad situtation. From what I have seen in others, the wife seeks out someone that will hold her as "special" and put her on a "pedistal." If the husband does not fill that emotional role, if someone else comes along wanting to do that then they may stray from the marriage. Women trnd to stray due to unmet emotional needs and men tend to stray for sexual conquests (we are pigs...we know...).

After getting married people tend to forget that they still need to court their spouse and make them feel special. It seems like the standard statement of "they should know that I love them" is a problem, especially when it is not said or demonstrated enough. Everyone has emotional needs and when they are not met, it is not uncommon to someone to seek them from someone else. You can't just think that since you are married that the spouse will just know something...you have to let them know...tell them. No one is going to forget what happened, but the task is to learn from what happened and see where the break-down occurred.

Lots of blame to be pointed out on each side I am sure, but they have to get past the blame game and look at how to fix it. The main thing, is the wife has to decide to end the relationship with the other person if they want to get into the healing phase. The wife has to resolve her dependence on the other so that she can work on the marriage if that is what she wants. Things happened, now get past it. They also have to decide if they are committed to resolving issues and continuing the marriage. Counseling is a great thing and really makes the other look at things in a different light.

There is a great course out there called Dynamic Marriage. The books that come with the course are great and really make you look at things. We went through that course and it had couples who wanted to liven up their marriages a little to those that were were on the brink of divorce. Everyone learned a lot out of that course and you discover a lot about yourself as well as your spouse. Every couple came out of there with a new attitude and new committment. The information that was shared in the course was fantastic and you could see that everyone was much closer than before. The one that was on the brink of divorce realized that they just were not understanding the other and were not communicating effectively, and in the end they were on the same page and making great strides towards recovery. About a year later, the couples are still doing much better as a result of the class. After seeing the results and being in the class, I again highly recommend the course. I am sure that a google search will find lots of information on the course.

The situation is not hopeless, but needs immediate attention. Unfortunately with children involved, there should be a very sincere committment to at least see if they are still committed to working things out.

Not trying to play Dr. Phil, but just want to pass on some very valuable information that I learned in a marriage enrichment course.

[hemanvt]

I agree that you should continue to make you spouse feel special and loved, but that is absolutely no excuse for that spouse to seek it out from someone else. I never understood cheating.....if you are that unhappy or that unsatisfied with your partner, than why not try a work it out through conseling or other means. And if that doesn't workout, then why not just split up and save the heart break.

[fsualum.]

Three weeks have gone by since the affair was confronted. I would be a liar if I said that this was not an easy thing to be dealt with. Everything has been addressed and they are moving forward in their marriage. Divorce is not being sought out at this time.

I posted this information on a public forum before informing my buddy and his wife out of respect of my intent to do so. I regret not confronting him beforehand, but I did so in an effort to seek advice and support in this type of tragedy without spreading the news around the office. I suggested the forum to him for both personal and career related reasons and told him about my post. He has since read the posts here on the stress forum and appreciates the support. He is working on continuing the marriage.

Some things I have picked up from them and pondered...

The facts as they are seem to point out that she sought attention she had been missing in her marriage. She stated my buddy left her a long time ago; not physically, but emotionally and as a companion. This is true and he now realizes that. He had begun to separate himself from her before the affair happened. Even as bad as that was though, she should have split up with him or at least confronted her husband about her feelings, wants, and desires towards that other person before adultery and betrayal came into play. She felt like he was ignoring her and had put her at the bottom of the barrel in his life. Maybe so, but there is no excuse out there for what she did. Even if she had grown tired of trying to get across to him about the things she was feeling and missing.

He doesn’t want to let it all go. He still loves her and she loves him. Lots to get through, but they will be doing it together.

[hemanvt]

Good luck and God speed to the both of them. I hope that everything works out, especially for the children.