trying to be a cop is not easy

[viper24]

I need to write a book called trying to be a cop is not easy, let me tell you why.

First, around this time last year i was getting out of the Marines after being involved with OIF. Every since that august ive been working security for these commerical companies that give about two @#$%% about your safety (ex working section 8 housing by myself with my own gun and no vest and if i didnt have my cell phone i was sol).

Around October i had called my best friend over in cali and told him how i felt and tht i had decided to do local law enforcement instead of going back into the service and getting intel and turn out to be one of those people would dont know or talk about. I didnt want that anymore. I had to make a decision to either do that and be alone for the rest of my life or to have a rewarding career and be able to have a family too. He told me that whatever I wanted to do he would be in my corner even to the point that he suggested moving out there with him and his wife and start applying out there I was for it so I
flew out there for a week to start figuring out how was the best way to go about doing this and he took me around all the cities in LA County area that he had applied in. ( he just graduated from the academy 3 wks ago and is on his FTO time with Covina PD now).

Unfortunately my finances wouldnt allow that permanent move out there yet so I started apps out here in the hampton roads area. first test i went for was for Virginia Beach PD and i figured well everything will work out here so i wouldnt have to apply any where else. first mistake. I passed the written and PAT but not the B-PAD. I didnt understand what i did wrong and they couldnt (i say wouldnt) tell me anything about it. oh well i said chalk it up to not knowing and at least i know how it works now. A month and half later after passing the PAT for Hampton PD I back in front of this tv again working through the scenarios but before we went to our separate stations i asked about where they looking for certain things on our test. she says no and her exact words"you've done this before you be just fine" Strike two. At this point i dont know what im doing wrong and of course they cant tell me what i did right or wrong.

So as I m going thru all of this working two jobs making just enough money to be broke my parents( or parent i would say) is giving me the third degree about my decision into local PD. Its 5 yrs ago again when i had to go through all of this just to enlist into the Marines. So needless to say i was never happy at any point in my life right now. I took the written and PAT for NNews PD and Ill be going back soon to finish giving my BI some othe information she needed. Well thru all of this some body shined the light on me and helped me a little bit. At the martial arts place i go to i always end up getting there a bit early and while waiting for them to end I was talking to one of my buddies about all of my testing and one of the parents overheard my conversation and he introduced himself to me. He just happend to be the LT for Chesapeake IAD and had recently picked up Captain. I told him everthing and he took down my info and gave me his card and told me if i had questions about anything to give him a call. I couldnt have been happier but that didnt last long.

The security company i worked for ended up being out of work as there was no ships to guard (it was only temp work anyway i knew it wouldnt last long)so I was out of work when the proverbial crap hits the fan. My mom was having health problems and her doctor told her that she needed to lose weight being that she was morbid obese so they suggested gastric bypass and she had it and recovered ok. i was there with her and seeing her in that bed didnt do well for me I dont like to see anybody suffer and it being her that just made it worse ( we have been dealing with 1 person either passing away or becoming terminatly ill every 3yrs for the past 8) so im not taking this well. I ended up seeing that Captain i mentioned again and he said that they where opening up again i he put my name in for the next test.

i ended up finding work for QVC security while she was in the hospital and i had just been working there for a week when my grandma had a second stroke and that was her last. She passed the saturday before last and we had the funeral last thursday. after all that was finished my mom turned ill again(this is all i need right now) she goes to the doctor to find out whats wrong and they're taking forever and a day to call with the results. meanwhile i have to hear her cough up a lung all day and all night long.

Continuing on i get a call from one of the more better security companies to start training with them(better pay GSA contracted) so i said ill be there unfornatley that means i have to give up QVC but i havent yet in the meantime one of my reserve buddies whose with Norfolk PD kept asking me why havent I gone for them yet. I couldnt give him a reason and i passed the written ( you know where im going with this) Strike Three. Im at a loss for words as this being my THIRD time with BPAD. He couldnt explain it either.

But this isnt all bad news, i recently met someone who i care for deeply and she cares the same way about me. Weird story about how we me but its irrelvant at thiks time. She knows and understands what I going be soon and the cost for doing this job. Not many do so i think ive found myself a winner. but the question is that how to u balance LE and relationships so that i can make this work. I wonder how you guys feel about this that way i felt for the longest time that i should be alone right now because i read the officer down forum and pretty much every one i read says "he leaves behind a wife and infant" I didnt or felt that i shouldnt for that reason but its different now and i felt angry and sad every time i read it. i believe its that which keeps me from not giving up that and the fact that people around me (family included) told me i wont make it. Is it wrong to feel this way? I stay strong for me because thats its just survival at this point. Me against them. And the only prople that understand what im going through are you guys. and i felt that i couldnt go to anybody else because they would had considered me a liabilty and i didnt want people thinking that i couldnt handle it.

As i write at 1:27 in the morning not trying to think about the test for Chesapeake I have in the next 6 hrs. I m goign to try to lay down and maybe ill fall back asleep.

Thank you for listening
Viper

[Kevlar]

Man, sounds like you are having a rough time. However, you seem to be coping remarkably well. I have NO DOUBT that with your determination you will succeed in your quest. It takes alot of work to get hired. Good luck, I wish you the best.

[little_cyclone]

Just keep trying. I know it seems like shit now, but one day you'll look back at this and think nothing of it. Just keep picking yourself up aand dusting yourself off and go back at it again. Persistence always wins in the end. You just have to keep trying and pushing until you finally get that light at the end of the tunnel. This is the first really difficult part about Law Enforcement: getting in the door. Once you're in and through that academy, going from one department to another will make this look laughably difficult. You just gotta stick with it and keep going on at it! Sometimes I wonder if the difficulty of actually getting into a department to begin with isn't part of the "weeding out the weak" process. Just remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And we'll be hoping for the best for you. :D

[viper24]

to everyone: thank you for listening

I didnt mean for it to be that long but as i was writing it just took over me and all the things that I wanted to say just came out.

i didnt pass my written for chesapeake and im at a loss for words at the moment and i had put a lot of hard work in networking and getting in the know with everybody, just to not pass the written. THE WRITTEN! ive NEVER failed the written. It was the exact test i took for Virginia Beach and NNews and i passed them WTF.

But im not going to let this beat me thats what everyone wants me to do. "Quit, its too hard for you you cant hack it" thats what i hear all the time. My friend whose a cop for covina pd in cali keeps telling me to bring my butt out there.


i wish it was that easy


Thanks again,
Viper

[visone]

Your post reminded me of the quote from Socrates: "An unexamined life is not worth living."

It sounds to me like you're asking questions and trying to figure things out, and that's the way to get answers and end up where you want to be in life (lots of people never get as far as you have!). The best knowledge is hard-won, and when you reach the finish line I'll bet that will make you a better cop and a better person.

Good luck!

P.S.: Another Socrates quote:

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

[ATF SAC]

I saw the title on this and thought I would come here to move this over to Police Questions or something since the little blurb on the menu that pops up made me think it was about frustration and low and behold it is just about the kind of stress we set this up to talk about.

You have so many balls in the air that your job has become keeping them all in the air not dealing with any of them. Can't be fully adjusted to returning from Iraq yet, family heath problems, job problems, money problems, even your really good news, met a nice girl is actually also a distractor.

Our minds and bodies work without thought to unload stress and one way is to put it on a single thing. Kind of a grim thread in this forum about having seen someone burn to death and now can't face their favorite meal -pot roast. You seem to have put it on the BPAD. It's a case of the yips. Body wants the stress out of there so mind helps focus on something external and controllable and then cues up avoidance.

Think about a couple of things. Could you just get a normal job for a little while? Something 9-5 with a paycheck that doesn't involve guns and body armor and stress. Security work isn't adding much to the resume that being a Marine doesn't cover for you. Be good to be bored but stable while OIF fades, work on the new relationship a bit, let some of the family issues ease up? Get some of the balls out of the air. Somewhere inside you for the moment is a little unheard voice going, "Being a cop is stressful, you ninny and we have more than enough of that in here."

If you can pretend to be normal for long enough, you can fool your insides into being normal and get balance going. Only hint you are going to give the little man inside is you are about to become the expert on the BPAD. Going to read about it, gonna get legitmate prep materials and take practice tests just like they were for real. You are seeking a Zen state, I am one with the BPAD and the BPAD is one with me. I am the law enforcement hiring process

Up the road, just a little ways, you are going to bust out laughing, realizing that you have collected rejections and failed tests from almost every cop shop in Tidewater, there's an accomplishment. Magic moment for you, now it is time to get back in the game.

You appear to have great things going for you, friends who really try to help, a command level officer who just met you figured you were worth a look see for Chesapeake. You shared with us a great list of all the things that were going on. Great start. Gotta get a plan or view on how to get some or all of them contained. There's nothing wrong with you that isn't at some point wrong with all of us, we are not failing, we are being crushed by a deluge of stuff. Depending on how you do in sort of working down the list, might want to consider a chat with a counselor. Good thing about being a vet in Tidewater is plenty of VA services around. Not for a diagnosis, but just someone who professionally can help you deal with the stuff going on, maybe help get some priorities going. Chaplain's call, and that's an option too.

Good you keep working out, keep the health going, but have to get the stress dealt with. Too bad it couldn't be the damn pot roast for you, too, but right now it isn't, I suspect.

[pikevt]

I was going to reply to this with some advice, but after reading what ATFSAC wrote I elected not to. Take the advice and run with it.... Just stay positive, stay healthy and take care of yourself. :t- up:

[viper24]

thanks ATF SAC your advice was a step in the right direction
im still uneasy about seeing a counsler but i will try to find one
actually ive think ive already found one, my girlfriend.

she called me after the testing and ive been with her all day
and she has been the most compassionate person that ive been
able to talk to in a while.

the only reason why i do security is that where i am currently
going through training right now they are paying a decent wage
and i would be starting all over again back down to minimum wage'
if i went somewhere and did something else. i dont agree with some
of the things they do but its a paycheck that i desparately need right now

as far as the BPAD goes, any info on where i can start looking for
BPAD testing material would be appreciated. ive gone too far and put up
with too much crap in my life to start backing off now. the one thing my best friend over in cali told me today was do whatever you have to do to get LEO certified and thats what i plan to do.

I appreciate everything you guys have said to me if only i knew about this site at the begining of my quest for the badge who knows.

Thank you all,
Viper

PS On my way home from her house, I stopped and paid respects to Officer Pocceschi memorial site on dam neck rd. puts a lot of things in perspective....

[Alexander]

Try applying for nypd.... no B Pad or poly and we hire by the hundreds... good luck.


Al

[ATF SAC]

Talk about stress, tried to post a long response here and it got eaten by the Web gremlins. Oh well, try again.

Viper, couple of things:

We cannot counsel you long distance. Just try to put tools in front of you.
Couple of months from now, it will be the 34th anniversary of my return from Vietnam. Served as a gunner, sniper with River Division 535, PBR sailor. Unit took 60% casualties, including me. Lucky in that I had something over a year left in the regular Navy. Took a Med cruise and was somewhat insulated from the social and political turmoil around Nam. Woman who said she would wait, did and yesterday, 33rd anniversary. After I got out, joined the Norfolk Police Department (cue Twilight Zone music) rose to detective. Went with ATF and spent 28 years. Loved the PD but big money woes when we started a family (starting pay in those days was $5,780 per year). Parents both alcoholics. Both sets actually. Overall a tough but good family relationship but with long periods of estrangement. Had to pack up, move and resettle when went Fed.
Often joke that I avoided PTSD by joining ATF and never getting post-stress.

Point of this is for you, advice I give you can take or reject on common sense and also on your sense of whether I know about it or I get it. Your call.

Point of seeking stress training (isn't that nicer than counseling?) is that you are dealing with a professional neutral who is working for you and has a bag of tools they can give you. Great that you and the lady are open, but you want to look good in her eyes and she wants to be on your side. Keep it up, but consider the neutral. Stress training is like financial planning, here are my issues, here are my goals, here are my constraints. Having had it, you are likely to be a far more powerful peer and hopefully leader in LE. ATF got into it about half way through my career. Director began to bring in experts to staff meetings and we all got some tools. Same time we were working with Peer Support, which went cosmic after Waco. Changed from interesting stuff, to powerful and baked in tools in the organization. Frankly, if an agency did not get this, I would run like hell. Got to a point in ATF that if I wasn't taking an assessment or working with psychs and counselors about something, I felt like something was wrong.

Did some searching on BPAD on the web. Funny, it is also widely used in material about Bipolar disorder. Be a bad idea to study that in relation to a situational response test. Company that develops it has some info and there are some ok looking prep sites. There is also a board "911hotjobs.com" that has a hands off association with this site (they link to us), but different editorial policy. Some interesting material on situational assessment and other standard police hiring stuff. BIG note of caution. Both the related site and others are all about cheat materials for the poly and other stuff. Big difference between studying and understanding and being confident and just trying to give the right answer to get through or to try to hide something. Folks who administer tests are sort of alert to techniques put out by the cheat sights and it is always a problem if in a poly they ask if you have been straight in the process.

Again here, we can post ideas to which you or anyone can react, along with information and experience. We can't fix it. When I wrote about the yips, I know that is a response and you can decide for yourself. Similarly, consider this. When stress really loads up and we are put in a performance or simulation, we go to training without thought. In 1976, I was in what is now the Criminal Investigator Training Program at FLETC as part of my ATF training. I was knocking them dead and did grad at the top of my class. However, there was one section called Judgement Pistol Shooting. Far more sophisticated now, but then you stood with a holster with a gun full of blanks. Scenarios played out and you reacted with a proctor keeping score. Failed it and barely got through with remediation. Why? Turns out my PD training was classic bullseye accuracy stuff. I was coming at it from my military, sniper training and combat experience. Have awards describing how I "delivered a devastating hail of fire, destroying the enemy and the enemy position". Positive reinforcement for a desired behavior. Give me those shooting scenarios in a classroom discussion, I would have aced them. Put stress on me and other things took over. Take away was I had to rewire myself, not loosing that often useful and needed ability to deliver "devastating hails of fire" but putting that response in a different order of preference, under different triggers.

Good prep work is about not just passing the assessment, but assessing yourself. Strengths and weaknesses. If in finding what the test is about, you also find yourself becoming what the test is about you are fine, called learning. If it is just a search for the right answer, while mumbling this is all bullshit, you really need to fail and should. Was only half kidding in my comment about achieving a Zen state. Took a lot from your comment that you have chosen not to stay in the shadow world and while LE is hardly normal, it is more normal. Just need to connect what you want to do with what is being measured and getting the things you have been trained to do in a different place. Some thought on that and some knowledge of the testing will help you change the wiring harness and train different muscle memory. Then its a snap.