31 and what have I done?

[elrey500]

Over the last few days, Ive been taking a long, hard look at myself and Ive come to a conclusion. Im 31 yrs old and what have I done with my life? I got my degree, worked a couple yrs in the private sector and realized how much I hated it. I applied to a couple law enforcement agencies, one was my local PD. Despite scoring a 99.99 on the civil sevice exam and being 7th on the list. They never called me, eventhough they hired about 20 guys. I finally got hired by INS as an inspector and I was very happy and excited when I got the job and things were great for about 2 yrs. Now, with the merger and all the changes that everyone seems to think are for the worse, Ive lost alot of motivation and am very demoralized. We no longer refuse entry to alot of people, mostly Europeans, short of fraud being involved, and are not concerned about enforciing any laws. Management is more concerned with us smiling and greeting people and providing good "customer service." When I joined this agency, I wanted to bounce as many people as I could, and I still do. But now, I cant cause Im not allowed to do my job. I joined to enforce laws and be a member of a law enforcement organization but this agency is anything but. Im not trying to bad mouth or insult other inspectors here. Ive been there over 2 yrs and Im applying to other agencies but I dont know if I'll get the job cause you never know with these things. My dilema is two fold. I want to get a real law enforcement job and to get out. I feel like Im wasting my time and that I havent done a damn thing with my life. Im 31, still live at home, never married, no kids. Im just a little unhappy with things right now. Not to mention the LARGE amount of hours and the rediculous schedule we work. Im just really frustrated and want bigger and better things, I want to make a difference, lock up bad guys and I cant do that here. Im sorry for the diatribe but I had to vent.

Stay safe.

[SoCalDep]

I went through a time like that prior to getting hired for my current department. I work for the LA County Sheriff's Department. When I went through the academy we had two recruits that were 40 and 43 yrs. old. They are now Deputies.




It's never too late.

[u1119]

I can definitely relate. I was hired by the first PD with which I applied, straight out of college. I loved the job. I ate, slept, breathed, and bled blue. After too short a time, I decided I was destined for greater things (i.e.- FLE). After all, my parents told me that if I stayed in school and got good grades, I could be whatever I wanted (liars!).

Now, I too am a stamp-monkey/clerk with a gun. The money is pretty good, but the job satisfaction is zero. I am driving my wife crazy with all of the job applications to various agencies all over the country. What other choice do we have? We have to pay the bills. More importantly, WE HAVE TO MOVE ON!!!

Never quit. It goes with the territory.

Thanks ELREY. I feel better. Diatribe #2 completed.

Regards,

u1119

[visone]

I think you're lucky. You're old enough to have figured out what you want out of life AND young enough to act on it. You could easily work for another 25-30 years, right? That's a long time!

Your time wasn't wasted, because you learned from it and climbing up that hill let you finally take a look around.

You also have the freedom to move around and explore other work without worrying about dependents. Lots of people realize they're unhappy with their work, but by that time are locked down with families and have to consider others in their decisions.

When you do find a job you like, you'll be happier and more likely to bring some of that other stuff you've been missing into your life. Plus you still have all that to look forward to. If you "had it all" at 31, then what? Why not leave some fun for tomorrow?

I think times have changed, too. One hundred years ago the average life span was around 48. If "40 is the new 30," then you're about 20 now.

So let's all party like it's 1989. :D

[rzaruba]

Over the last few days, Ive been taking a long, hard look at myself and Ive come to a conclusion. Im 31 yrs old and what have I done with my life?

What you are going through is what all of us went through in our early to mid-30's.

The dissatisfaction with the job, agency policy sucks, the feeling you aren't doing anything, the world is going to hell and you can't do anything about it, the realization that there are folks who are going to be richer and smarter (even thought they're pretty dumb), the fact you're going to die someday.......

Oh, and the words "Service Policy" used to put my stomach in knots, usually on a Monday morning. And did I mention "Sunday Syndrome?"

It hit me at about 33 as I got out of bed one morning.

This will pass and you will come to peace with yourself. You will even be able to do your job, and better than you thought.

The bad news. You're human. And you're normal.

[rzaruba]

But now, I cant cause Im not allowed to do my job. I joined to enforce laws and be a member of a law enforcement organization but this agency is anything but.


Know what? Not much has changed since when I started in NYC some 30+ years ago. Here's another story I posted in the HR218 thread:

I remember sitting with one of the old guys in Frauds and complaining about why nothing is getting done, and why things were the way they were, and why aren't we doing anything, and why do we have to carry little 38's, and why are the Russians getting away with everything, and blah, blah, blah................

And then the old guy turned to me, smiled, and said in substance that at THAT VERY MOMENT in the basement of KGB headquarters in Moscow, there was a young KGB officer sitting with one of the old guys.

And he was saying: why nothing is getting done, and why things were the way they were, and why aren't we doing anything, and why do we have to carry little Makarovs, and and why are the Americans getting away with everything, and blah, blah, blah................

Puts everything in perspective.

[Rasputin]

Elrey,
By now, you should have learned why they don't want you to do your job. It causes paperwork and complaints. There are a lot of people in the same boat as you. I would never have thought about putting in for another job but you can never say never. stay safe, stay sane and stay the course.

[ChicagoDEAApp]

Elrey -

As you have probably gleaned from the prior responses, your feeling is normal and shared. Maybe it is a phase in life we all go through - I'm right there with you bro - or maybe it is just a normal psychological response to a feeling of being out of control about things which motivate us (read 'us' as people who seek to protect, solve, fix or pursue). In other words, maybe everyone goes through this feeling, or maybe it is just cop-types who want to apply their energies to the betterment of their country - but feel unable to do so. Not sure.

Equally important though - in addition to the macro-picture just described - is making you, the individual going through that sense or period of frustration, feel better. And while misery loves company - it does help to know you aren't out there alone - fixing misery is even better.

For you, I think you should focus on what you have, not what you don't have (easy for me to say, but try). You are a sworn agent of the USG, with a job to do even if marginally encumbered by political BS. You are young and aware of your goals - many don't realize it until it's too late. You are single, and able to move and take up new challenges - and perhaps meet Mrs. Right enroute. You are trying - you are looking at other agencies and doing what you can. (There is an old saying - "Pray as if everything depends on G-d, Act as if everything depends on you.") You are doing your share, now relax and let it happen.

Take care, be safe, and keep up the good work!

[elrey500]

Thank you for the words, gents. Over the last week, Ive sent is apps to two more depts. I drove 4 hours each way the other night to attend a mandatory orientation for one. Im trying to do all I can to better myself and get out of here. I read a great saying on here once. It went something like, the doors are there, you just have to push them open.

The BS grows more and more each day here and staying motivated gets harder and harder. Im doing all I can, I just hope God has plans for me. Better plans. :cool:

[Ragnarok9]

Over the last few days, Ive been taking a long, hard look at myself and Ive come to a conclusion. Im 31 yrs old and what have I done with my life? .....Stay safe.

I'm going thruogh it now. I'm 35. When I was a kid, I used to go on ride-alongs with local PD. Thought a lot about being an officer. For a million reasons, that didn't happen. I somehow ended up in computers. I had a high-paying job that I didn't really like, but the $$$$$$$$!

I got laid-off two years ago, it took me 9 months to find ANY work. I'm now a "consultant", working at a Help Desk, answering really dull questions. Basically, I've gone from almost 6 figures, to being a receptionist not making enough to pay the bills (wow, those credit cards have gone up) I make 25% of what I made 2 years ago, no benefits, no insurance, no paid time off.

So I've looked back, and I realized that I hate sitting in an office, I hate sitting at a desk 8 hours a day. I hate the stone schedule (8:30-5:00). And I HATE SUNDAY SYNDROME. Starts about 6:00PM, doesn't it? I become a grouchy tool.

So I've thought about it, and what I want to do has been there the whole time. I'm pursuing a career in law enforcement. I'm going to get in, or die trying. I don't want to be on my deathbed, looking back and thinking "what if only I'd tried..."

So right now, I'm very burned out, unhappy, and a grouch. I'm very apprehensive about the Law Enforcement hiring process, but I'm going to do my best.

What's my point? We all go through this mid-30's crises. I'm still young enough to make the change, and I have no intention of spending the rest of my life in a windowless office, staring at a computer screen. I've seen way to many old, pasty burned-out computer guys. I'm movin' on.

Best of luck to you. I'm going to do it, and so can you. LE here we come!

Stay safe, all.

[Ragnarok9]

....The BS grows more and more each day here and staying motivated gets harder and harder. Im doing all I can, I just hope God has plans for me. ....

I know. I really, really know. It literally does get harder every day. You aren't alone. I've been trying to find real work for 2 years. Just keep at it. Take ONE day at a time. One hour at a time, if you have to. And just keep doing what you're doing. Applying, etc.

You will NOT be in this rut forever. Probably not even for very much longer. Trust me.

Best wishes!

[elrey500]

I told myself I wouldnt cry...

Well, at least theres ONE plus to working where I do. Hooking up with the ladies :D

You guys are awesome. 35 is not too old either. Some depts take guys up through 40 and beyond.

[mc22]

Sounds like you have the same job I do. If so, you will know what I am talking about:

1st: Things will get better, or you will find a better position. Keep positive.

2nd: You are still in a position that you swore you would uphold the law. Keep refering people. Don't let the fact that they are going right down the road bother you. You do your part. They will do their part. That doesn't mean you have the right to slack off on your sworn duties. You can't change the way they do their part.
We are all proud. We are all fustrated. Try to stay postitve.
A positive attitude about the crappy job you have now will get you to a position that you like faster than an attitude of "I gotta get out of this agency"
Keep your gun belt on straight.
MC22

[elrey500]

LOL! How did you know I was thinking "I gotta get out of this agency." I said that to my friend just the other day.

[cbpofficer]

Yo brother,

I had to respond. I feel the exact same way. But you know that already. Keep your chin up, it's going to get better. It always does. Hopefully we'll be celebrating a new job together in the future.

Talk to ya soon

-IOBTC 451..forever...lol

[Rasputin]

Did you ever think that it may not be the agency but the location? At my current port of entry, there is probably over a dozen officers and 1 sup that wants out of here. Each week for like the past 6 weeks there has been a post on the daily messages of officers begging for swaps. Some weeks more than one officer a week. If you have a lot of cronyism or backwards attitudes due to the locale, you may just need to move to more professional pastures within the service. Of course, if you can't find that,atleas find a spot where your out of work activities more than make up for the bad work experience. :vader:

[Can't Commit]

Assets: No children, no spouse, geographical flexibility, still young enough to go, 2 years federal experience, contacts, onto the ways the man tries to keep you down, desire, knowledge, uncomfortable with the status quo, this forum, fellow LEOs that get what you mean...

Liabilities: Early thirties mental doldrums (they pass), US LE employer...

We all had times in our personal and professional lives where we wondered where the effort was going to come from to get through another day of federal employment. You simply want to be productive and do what your supposed to do but all you see is an everchanging landscape of enforcement priorities based on political wrangling married with what is politically correct. It ain't no fun...No advice coming from here, just want you to know that those of us who made it through the early thirties and who are happy now professionally, work for ourselves...we don't aim to please the supervisor, the prosecutor, or the stat hounds at hq...we understand what makes you live a long time...its getting the bad guys they way you want to...please yourself.

[BelAir1]

I must say that I have really benefited from the responses in this thread. Although I just turned 30, I've been feeling way out of sorts for the past few months, and just couldn't figure out why. I thought something was really wrong with me recently, too. I even went to my doctor and asked to be tested for mono, or depression, or something just to have an answer as to what was up. He couldn't find anything wrong, of course. So the frustration got worse.

Reading some of the posts here has been like the light bulb turning on in my head :idea: . I never heard of this 30-something funk before!?! I've always been the kind of person who never looked at a specific age, or age range, as anything paramount. It's always been just a number to me. Turning 30 was no big deal to me, so the whole concept of this funk was completely foreign.

I am a G-employee who deals with a lot of the same things everyone else does. Every agency has it's issues, with some having more than others. That hasn't really phased me, though. I like the job, but it's not "what I always wanted." I think my problem is that I know there is something more for me out there and I feel like I didn't take the steps early enough in my life to be where I want to be. I feel like everything I've done up until now has been wasted time, and I'm starting from scratch. Now I'm trying to play catch-up before I think it's definitely too late by working full time while going to school full time with a huge course load. Couple that with trying to have some role in my family life with a new baby, and I don't know up from down right now!!

I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now, or even if this pertains to the damn thread, but it felt good to get some of that out. My wife doesn't seem to understand, and my friends aren't going through anything like this at all. I guess my point is that if this is a phase that will pass, then I can take some comfort in that and I thank those experienced posters here who have offered support and hope. And thanks for letting me rant a little...

[g.stone]

Elrey
Thanks for the PM (CBP)

It's everywhere...the please and thank you and "sure, Mr. Possible Terrorist, how are you today?" I don't understand how management could get so twisted over a tie bar tilted up OR not wearing a name tag on the outer part of your coat. But yet we allow everyone in...with a smile :)

I'm down too about this. I'm bored and I feel I should be doing things more useful, cause right now, I feel useless. And maybe this time will pass, maybe I should suck it up for now and deal with it. All in all, it's not "that bad."

Even though I go home not thinking of the job, I still feel like I could be doing more. Feeling like this and reading others' threads inspires me to move on and move ahead. Things can't be all that bad, right? I am above ground and living life.
Be safe and for all...TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME!!!

[skyblue_123]

This has been a tremendous read, this thread. But I do I feel old around you guys (ha). What you are experiencing is not unusual and don't let it bog you down. Search out and read books to help you get through tough times. for you married types this is the time to make it or break it: insist your wife sit down and listen to you and take the time to talk to her about what you are going through. This is the time for her to hold up her end of the bargain too, you know, when you are really struggling. If it is okay I'm putting up this url: www.newharbinger.com, they have some great books on stress, depression, etc.. Also, do a google search using "police" and "Stress" as the terms. You will find there is a world of sites and organizations and info out there to help people process through just about anything. No you are not alone. I had same frustration at DHS - yeah, the customer service BS mentality just did me in. Don't give up. It'll happen for you. Keep the faith!

[ArcangelDurango]

Can someone enlighten me as to what "Sunday Syndrome" is?

[CA Cop]

Can someone enlighten me as to what "Sunday Syndrome" is?

I'm pretty sure this refers to how you start feeling bad Sunday night when you know your weekend is almost over! :(

[ATLIS]

Elrey,

I was about to wax eloquent about my situation and age (31 also), how we become more aware of our mortality in our 30's, unmet expectations, etc...
when I read your post again:

"I feel like Im wasting my time and that I havent done a damn thing with my life. Im 31, still live at home, never married, no kids."

Don't know the specifics of your situation, but I think "31 and what have I done?" may be more front and center in your mind when you're just down the hall from your parent's bedroom.

A couple of times this past year I had to stay at my parent's place w/o my wife while I interviewed back in our home state. I've a great relationship with my folks and two younger brothers, but it still felt weird. I felt like a 31 year old kid.

You might be making a nice bank, saving for a home or something, but you mentioned marriage too, and I don't think most quality women want a guy living at home.

Might want to consider first getting yourself a place which opens up the door to meeting a nice girl. Maybe your feelings about not having done much on the LE side don't really have to do with LE as much as you think.

Just my $.02

ATLIS