Benign Objects Trigger Memories

[kingpervis]

The other day I was helping my brother-in-law and my sister dig up grass so they could build a stairway in the yard. Initially we were pouring the dirt behind a retaining wall, but ran out of room after awhile. My brother-in-law then laid out a clear plastic tarp to shovel the rest of the dirt onto. I walked past the plastic tarp and looked down at it and froze. For some reason the sight of this tarp brought me back to a DOA scene I was at back in the spring. Guy had been laying around for about five days before he was found. There wasn't even any plastic at the DOA scene. But for some reason when I looked at this tarp, I could see that contorted face of his looking back at me through the tarp. It was only for a second, but it creeped me out. I shook my head and walked back to digging. My brother-in-law saw me and asked, "You allright?" I just said, "The plastic creeps me out. Reminds me of the coroner." My sister, God bless her, laughs and says, "You're such a weirdo." I laughed, too, and thought, "Yeah, I probably am."

I'm thinking I'm not the only cop who's ever had memories triggered while looking at an otherwise benign object?

[ATF SAC]

No you are not. Can only tell you that as time goes on you pick up a lot of visualizations that pop out in odd places and times. Seems to me to be part of a process where they pop out and go "Hi, I'm here with you now. The world is no longer innocent and safe." Your reaction was great, which is to go "Not your time and place, go away for a while." Make kind of a dark reference, get a laugh and go on.

Learned head shrinkers probably could pin this down. Experientially, it seems to be a coping mechanism in which we adjust to having seen and dealt with the awful and then return to a world in which that is at best remote and far away for almost everybody around us. Part of being a real cop, having daydream nightmares. I think it is part of also a recognition and preparation for the next time.

I think you will find the upside is the recognition that outside the momentary remembrance, you are not affected by them. Kind of "That was some experience, guess I'll always remember, but I got through it and I will keep on keeping on." After all next moment is a recognition that you are alive and well and that is a great affirmation.

Comes a point where folks will go "Hey, you look like you just saw a ghost." And you can honestly answer, "I did, but its ok." Funny thing inside the business is that you will see it on others and they on you pretty regularly as time goes buy and the only notice will be, "You ok?" "Yup". But now you know what that conversation around the cop shop is all about.