Possible Divorce...

[whtsthe#for911?]

Alright...I need to vent...I guess it just helps to get it out on paper/in a forum,etc, so here I go....(warning: will be lengthy...) My husband is a Marine. We have been married a year and a half. From almost the time we were married until now, my husband has "become" his true person. When we were dating, he'd make an effort to show he cared...we talked instead of screaming when we "argued" or has "misunderstandings" - he'd always been a little bit of a control freak, due to how he was raised, and his role in the military. Shortly before we were married, I found out he had cheated on me - I was devastated and I don't really try to let too much get to me. But I was absolutely broken hearted. I honestly, in my heart of hearts, did not believe he was that type of guy (oh to make it worse, not only did he cheat on me, but he cheated on me with his crazy ex girlf whom he had a restraining order on...yeah I know...don't ask) Anyways, I was hurt, etc, etc and eventually we came to the conclusion that everyone makes a big mistake in life, that was his and he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. So things are good for awhile...and after getting married this "controlling" attitude starts to rear it's ugly head...it was subtle at first, then it continued to grow. It became more frequent, more angry. I couldn't/can't seem to do anything to make him happy. Emotions and my husband don't mix - if he says something hurtful and I tell him it hurt my feelings, he says "I didn't hurt your feelings...you chose to let them get hurt..." (Which is total BS) Then money came into play off and on - even though we're married, he doesn't believe in "what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours..." and if I even borrow 6 bucks from him because I happen to not have time to go to the bank, he keeps tabs on it and freaks out. (btw that example of 6 dollars is a tre scenario too) And I am not the type of wife who expects husband to go out, work and pay for whatever I want. I rarely spend money on myself. My priorities are bills and neccessities. I pay for gas, electric, water and trash,my cell phone, his cell phone, the house phone, my new car payment, my insurance, HIS car insurance and ALL of the groceries/household items AND my visa card when I do use it. He pays for our mortgage ($1130) and his Navy Fed card which he has racked up quite high w/ a LOT of stuff. (He just paid off his home deopt card) Now there have been a million times where I have paid for things for him, bought him things, lent him money, etc etc and do I keep track?? NO because we're married - but does he?? Yes - of the few dollars he's ever given me and he makes a HUGE issue out of all of it - like I am "stealing" from him. (we have tried a few times to go over finances, etc etc and he is very unperceptive to it....might I add I make quite a bit less then he does) Ok besides all that, I have a good relationship with my family - we all live in So Cal - we don't see each other "all the time" but we're close and we all get along. My husband has never been close to his family, in fact he despises them and could care less if he ever sees them again. He'd actually be fine living alone the rest of his life, honestly. That's how he is and has become even more so. So, he hates how close I am to my family - he tells me I am stupid and weak and that they are basically in the same boat. And that hurts because my family has been good to him and tried to treat him well and he is so rude in return. Over the past year he has been working on alienating from my family as well as my friends and I am not the only one who has noticed. His outbursts have been frightening lately too - he doesn't like what I do (he always gets paranoid and says I am going to leave him for a deputy that's younger, stronger, etc etc (mind you i am 9 years younger than him too, which I never thought would be an issue, but apparently it is.) So anyways, he has just become, cold, insensitive, doesn't want to be intimate, and I feel so hurt and empty. When I try to talk to him, he makes me feel stupid - he demeans me and everything is ALWAYS my fault, no matter what. Several months ago I cried and asked him why he was treating me this way and that i wanted to fix things and he told me he was too tired to discuss it. Well he always is, so I pushed the issue and he told me "you know...you're just like that damn dog out there...if I am not constantly paying attention to you all you do is (expletive) whine..." I was SO hurt by that - what spouse doesn't want to be hugged, kissed, etc etc?? Is that so strange? IS that too much to ask??? So again, I tried to make things better and move on. Eventually we came to another point in time where he told me our nephew had put a big scratch in my coffee table (this would be my husband's brother's son) and I said "yeahhh I know, that's too bad - I guess no one was watching him when that happened." - My husband blew a gasket - I had been laying next to him and he jumped up, leaned over me and started screaming in my face to never insult his brother or talk poorly of his family ever again and proceeded to cuss me out. From there, I got up to walk away and he physically tried to hold me in that spot and make me stay. Now I was shocked - no one has ever been physical with me - he didn't hit me or anything, but just the feeling of being physically held down somewhere I didn't want to be was very unnerving. There have been other events/fights/ etc from that point which was a few months ago...I have tried to be a good wife, stay out of the way sometimes, give him space, etc (all of which I find abnormal for a happy marriage,) but i was willing to try anything...counseling...yeah that only temporarily helped some "issues" but it doesn't change a person - at least not in his case. A month ago there was also another huge fight - that he brought up -he was looking at our cake topper from our wedding and said the hair on the guy should have been shorter to look more like his and I laughed and said "why are you worrying about that now??" And he freaked out and got all pissed off and started screaming/calling me names. Telling me "I don't get it, etc etc" So our latest issue which is basically the straw that has broken MY back - was 3 nights ago - I felt like a lot of money was disappearing faster than normal so I asked him about it. I eventually found out from him that he was using some of my money to pay for things I didn't even know about, and I told him I didn't realize that. He flew off the handle, told me "you do too know and don't *$ #$^ lie!! You are really #&$^$% pissing me off!!!!" And I got upset because I had just asked a question, so I cried, then he started making demands, telling me what I was going to do and that he was going to MAKE me sit there while he added things up and that I accused him of cheating me out of my money (yeah ok...not.) So, I said "no you're upset, we're not getting anywhere arguing, so I 'll talk to you when we can talk like mature adults." I walked down to the bedroom and shut the door loud - not slammed it, but enough to let him know I shut it. He ran down the hall, stood outside the door and screamed "Don't you ever #^$&& slam that door ro do anything else to this house - it's MY house, not yours, and you don't give a #&$^$ because you didn't buy it." So I opened to door and said "well I guess nothing will ever be ours because no matter what I pay for, buy or do, it's never good enough - you're always better then me - like it's a competition." Anyways, at that point, I told him i was going to go for a drive - he grabbed my forearms and tried to make me sit on the bed...I stood up and said "stop it!!" He continued to try to force me to sit, like a child being put into time out, and I jumped up again and yelled at him to let go of me and stop. After about 4 tries he did - at that point I pulled my duffel bag out, he threw his book down, pointed at me in my face like a drill instructor and screamed, "You know what???? F$*% YOU!!!! You are a stupid, spoiled brat - that's ALL you are!" ........On my way out he tried to play a stupid mind game with me (he likes to do that) and he sat on the couch and acted all calm and said "I am tryin to sit here and talk to you like a mature adult, and you're just going to run off cuz that's what wives do I guess - you are so immature." At that point I laughed and said "ohh, yeah you sure know the definition of mature, talking to me like you do and ranting and raving like a nut, quit playing you're games with me...." And I walked out. I actually went up to my dispatch center, talked to a peer counselor I admired and worked a bit of overtime to blow off some steam. Now it's almost 3 days later and after all that has gone on, I am to the point where I cannot handle this anymore. No amount of marriage counseling or talking will help him and you can't "change" a person - you are who you are. Unfortunately I am just figuring out who he really is - I know deep down he believes that since I am married to him, I will not leave, no matter what, but he's wrong. Also, he recently had a choice to move to VA and be an OCS instructor for the military. He had a choice - he didn't ask me how I felt or what i wanted to do. He told me I would quit my job and go. The only thing is, I think he will be going alone. I don't want to leave - I would if we were happy - but not to be with someone who treats me like he does - I hurt so bad all the time...I can't imagine being taken across country and treated like this, especially being away from everyone and everything I know and leaving a job and dept I LOVE working for. I know in my heart what I need to do - and I am never one that has ever wanted to have to say "I got divorced" but I also can't imagine continuing to live like this and lying to myself...It hurts so much to think we are going to have to sit down and have that talk "and I am sure his reaction will be devastatingly scary) (no I don't think he would hit me or anything) But, I am sure it will be a mess. (and no we don't have children, thank God) Because I would feel awful for them if we did. So, I guess, I really needed to vent, and maybe get some points of view from those of you who have been married/divorced, etc...I feel so sick and awful inside right now, but I know if I let this continue those feelings will get worse and be neverending. Thanks for listening if any of you even got this far! :(

[Big Sexy]

I am so sorry for your situation and wish there was something I could say to make things better. All I can think of is, to tell you, only you know what's best for you. If you truly are not happy with your "situation" (because from your description, it is most definitely not a marriage), you may need to move on with your life. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[LeeRoy]

That's a heck of a rant. Not sure if you noticed but you somewhat rationalized his behavior when you said "...due to how he was raised, and his role in the military." Lots of folks with poor upbringing who are in the military don't treat their wive's like he treats you.

You are describing classic domestic violence situation minus without the actual violence. My money says he will cross that line eventually if you stay with him.

Sounds like you already decided he isn't going to change. You need to decide whether you're going to protect yourself. CA is a community property state. That means it is also a community debt state. Any debt he incurred (That credit card debt for example) while you two were married is also your debt also. Consult an attorney ASAP to protect yourself while you decide what you are going to do.

Best of luck to you.

[little_cyclone]

Never been married myself, however my grandmother has been married 3 times and I've watched all 3 of my mothers marriages fail as well... I agree with BS, only you can truly know what is good for you. We can all spin our songs and dance our tunes, but at the end of the day only you are gonig to know what to do. At the very least, you have, if nothing else, taken a positive step by voicing your concerns, fears, opinions. I've seen alot of other ppl (both men and women) who just keep it all bottled up inside and just try to deal. But in some situations there is longer any way to deal, and action has to be taken. You've tried counselling, you've tried just pushing through it. None has worked. Maybe something to do would be to have a third party (someone both parties trust and listen to) sit and arbitrate or referee (for lack of a better term). However, if you've already done counselling, then this probably won't do any good. :( Go with your heart. Go with what feels right for you.

[Cascade]

I think LeeRoy is right about this being a classic DV situation. Whatever you do, make sure you keep yourself out of harm's way. Best of luck with this.

[DelC]

I can't imagine being taken across country and treated like this, especially being away from everyone and everything I know and leaving a job and dept I LOVE working for.

You're right there. Don't do it, as you will really feel trapped if you do. You won't have family, friends or anyone else to fall back on. Don't do it.

[lauderdalehawk4]

First I just want to say I'm sorry for your current situation and I hope for the best for you and your husband.

I have never been married but have been in a few long term serious relationships and some of the things you mentioned about yelling and not talking with each other about your problems etc were all things I did. I read your post and it brought me right back to how I used to behave. I used to blow up over the smallest things and rant and rave until I didn't know what I was mad about, making my girlfriend feel horrible. However I was 15-16 at the time a young stupid confused teenager. I don't know how old you are or how old your husband is but and I hope this doesn’t come off bad but he's acting like an immature kid. I caused a lot of hurt to someone I cared deeply for and have spent the past few years regretting it wishing I would have treated her like she should have been treated. But what I don't regret is that I grew up and we both moved on with our lives, she is happy now doing whatever she is doing and I'm a little bit wiser and more mature and have been nothing but happy learning how to keep my temper in check and talk my problems out with the one I love.

It sounds like you have tried and tried over and over to work things out with him but it's just not working, and as much as saying "I am divorced" is sad it's also sad for you to have to sit and go through verbal abuse, no he's not hitting you but he is abusing you mentally and verbally. I know because I used to do it myself, the part where you were about to leave and he sits on the couch acting like he did nothing wrong and how he's the one trying to talk it out is like you said a big mind game and you should not have to deal with it.

You are in a difficult situation however BS is correct as usual this a big decision and one that you and only you can make

PM me if you want to talk more like I said I have not been married but your post took me back to a time in my life that I'm glad a grew out of.

Good luck.

[cpwclarke]

It sounds like you know what you need to do. We only get one life to live and it doesn't sound like you are really living right now. When I first started reading counseling was the first thing that jumped into my head, but if you have already gone down that road then maybe its time for a change. There are worse things in life than divorce.

Take care and stay safe.

[H. Schoolboy]

The seperate money siutuation is a sign that he just doesn't get what marriage is all about...Trust. (Cheating doesn't help either). Without getting into the legal/divorce procedures of different states, just get out.

[mikemac64]

You have already given yourself the answer, now you must summon up the courage to follow up.

One of the biggest, but hidden, tactics of a batterer is to isolate the victim. If you go to Quantico, you are removing your support system, your safety system, and you'll be isolating yourself in an unfamiliar environment.

I assume your husband is a DI, that seem irrelavant, but it is not. If he grew up in a n abusive home, he learned it is OK. He may not want to, or know how to get help. He may truly believe he does not need help. But being a DI (maybe) he also has to be in control. It is difficult for someone in a position like that, or like many of us here as cops, to admit we are weak in some area. Or wrong at all. And to make it worse for him, the Marines will certainly look askance at his propensity for domestic violence. His DI career would be over, and maybe his whole Marine Corps career (I was in a long time ago and saw it happen back then, I am sure it is not any different now).

So, if your life is hell, you must get out. Once he puts his hands on you, the level and/or intensity of the violence will only increase. It NEVER decreases. So, you must have a safety plan.

You should call or visit the local police and see what resources are available. Also, there are usual resource phone numbers inside the front cover of the telephone book.

If you fear for your safety, then you must not go back. If you go back, he wins, and you will place yourself indanger.

You say he would never hit you, but he already has assaulted you by grabbing your writsts/forearms. What is next?

If you do leave, pick your battles. Any fight (money, etc) you decide to keep up after you leave only continues your contact with him.

Disclaimer: We only have half the story here. Bust since the post is anonymous it lends credibility.

[MsCoyoteKatie]

You are describing classic domestic violence situation minus without the actual violence. My money says he will cross that line eventually if you stay with him.

This is the BEGINNING of the domestic violence cycle. It may be tough, but you know what you need to do.

Good Luck--
Katie

[jay202]

A lot of very thoughtful responses posted here.

The anomosity your husband has towards your family will probably never go away and will more than likely always be an issue in your relationship.


I sincerely wish you the best in the action you take, because it sounds like you already know what you need to do.

[nickstone]

I agree with what everyone has said here so far. And I'm not at all trying to make excuses for your husband, and I'm also not a Dr., but I'm just wondering if he's been to Iraq/A-stan and came back with PTSD (post traumatic stress dissorder). There was a Frontline special on the other night about this and some of the guys profiled had the same problems, and thats the only reason I ask.

Whatever the case I wish you the best of luck.

[IM911]

I've never been married so take this for what it's worth. I would tell you to get out now. No one deserves to be treated this way, whether you're male or female. As it was mentioned before this is a classic DV cycle. Emotional abuse is as demeaning as physical abuse. Protect yourself. It sounds like you have a great, supportive family, time to reach out to them.

[girlegirl911]

OK! Point of view from an abused woman. After we got divorced, my ex told me that he liked to pin me in a corner when we argued because he liked to see the fear in my eyes. I never thought he would hit me either...but he did...once!!!
It started w/just arguing and pinning me in the corner and then it went to pushing me and then he hit me! Don't wait for that to happen before you do something. I swore to myself that I would never be that dependent on a man again...now I seriously have commitment issues! Being divorced is not the end of the world (and I have kids in the mix) Life does go on! Like someone on here said...."There are WORSE things than divorce".

[newdispatcher]

While reading your post, I could not help but to briefly relive my life as an abused wife. There is nothing I can say to make you see what we do here on this forum(for we are on the outside looking in). It sounds as if you are in a tough situation and believe me I do know where you are, I have been in your shoes. The emotional and mental abuse I see you have written is one of the toughest to go through, and the begining of physical has come, He held you in a place you did not want to be!
What I would suggest you do is to find a friend or two to help you in this particuliar situation you are in so they can guide you to make the right decisions, even if you use them just to talk.
I myself waited too long to go and seek help, for it was my daughters fear she went through during this abusive situation, it was that wich led me to seek help. My husband decided to go and abduct my daughter, while my father was diagnosed with cancer and dying, for I was left to go and find my daughter and not seeing my dad :( I would never want anyone in that situation.
Now we are very happy and still go for support with other woman who are/were in our situation.
Good luck with everything and I will keep you in my prayers.
If you want support you can email me OK.

[MsKippie]

The only difference in your situation and mine is that my ex-husband was 11 years older and a cop, not military... it took me 3 years to get the courage to go.
I know exactly where you are right now. No words from anyone, including your close family can help you get the courage to leave him, but you sound like you know that you must. My ex never hit me, there were a couple of "weird" power-play things like you described with the being forced to sit and standing over you, but the final straw was when he chased me through the house at gunpoint. That was terrifying for me. Please don't let yourself get into that situation. Getting the courage to leave was harder than actually going for me. Don't let the fear and dread of what you know is right for you stop you.
If anything, know that you are not alone. During those times where everything seems so lonely and like you are the only one going through it, know that you can survive it. Please be careful and if it is the right decision for you, then go and don't doubt yourself... no matter what he says. I wish you the very best.

[D.Ulvestad]

Don't get stuck in that HoneyMoon Cycle. I'm remarried for the second time.
I'm still learning the marriage thing. The first marriage was good at first but unfortunately it got worse. My first wife had infedility problems and I also probably didn't make things better.

My new wife who I am married to is great. Unfortunately sometimes I get angry and take a lot out on her because I hate facing reality and facing the truth. I hate confortation. Not many people like confortation. But it will always be there.

But this time I'm learning. I do take medicine to keep my anxiety down. I am starting to communicate a little more with her. I'm working at getting better with social situations and being communicative. We never go to bed mad at each other. It just makes it worse if you do.

I do have a child from my first marriage. When we divorced I was devastated. i let my ex do what ever she wanted. I just agreed to the parent agreement and divorce decree because I did not want be in any more pain. So my exwife is the custodial parent which i have to pay child support which is fine but I have no proof it's actually going to her except it comes out of my paycheck. I get my child two days out of the week. So to all you fathers, don't agree right away to parenting plan without reading over it completely. Seek legal advise.

[OldBreed1775]

Just a thought. Your scumbag husband is subject to the UCMJ and could get the Big Chicken Dinner for screwing around on you. There are countless Marines out there who are good husbands; this one has his priorities completely out of whack regardless of his MOS or experience.