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Thread: Family in need of Prayers
04-22-2005, 18:33 #1jaygib Guest
Family in need of Prayers
Last night I made the biggest mistake of my life, I assulted my wife and was charged with domestic violence. Right now I really don't care that this kills a future I wanted in FLE. My biggest concern is dealing with my emotional problems and just becoming a better man for my kids.
My wife and I have had difficulty for the last few years, she had an affair and I have never gotten over it. We were in the process of a divorce that I started although I really wanted to work things out. My wife tends to wall others out of her emotional world. I should have just sought out the help I needed lately for my own emotional problems but I just got to bogged down in trying to help her fix her problems. To further complicate our situation my wife is currently in a police academy and her devotion to that only hightened my jelousy and anger at our family not being the number 1 focus. I now that this was selfish of me. I know that her actions didn't give me any right to harm her and that anyone deserves to feel safe, especially in his/her home and with his/her own family.
I don't expect the sympathy of others. After harming my wife I just wanted to end my life because I could only see myself as a failure. I know that from this moment on I have a duty to my parents, my siblings and most importantly my three children. I just ask that anyone out there would pray for our family and pray that I will become a healthy better father for my 9 year old girl and my two little boys. I also plead that anyone that feels totally overwhelmed in life like I did take the appropriate measures to heal yourself because you matter to others, even if not at that moment to the spouse you love more than anything. If God wills it maybe our relationship can be saved. I must assume that my actions mean that it cannot and focus now on those things that do matter most.
Please always make sure your spouse feels safe and loved. Always listen to warnings in your behavior and never for a second give up the hope for living. I may wind up going back to jail if my wife persues charges, I understand this, dread it, but will be accountable for those actions. A holding cell is a horrible place to be in, more so if your there for hurting those that you pledged to God always to protect. Domestic assults are never justifiable, I just wish with a heavy heart that yestarday I decided to find help.
04-22-2005, 19:20 #2
Thank you for writing us here...The path you took last night was not more likely one you can fathom today.....You are brave to put this message out and try to work through this. You need help and you need help starting now (and it is obvious you are heading in that direction) do not wait to seek it....
I think your focus is right where it needs to be on your family and children...Get professional help and keep us updated on you progress....Day by day.... one step at a time... get yourself straight, expect no one else to fix you but you...And please understand that people will judge and say very mean things...Your wife will find her own place to put this and right now and maybe never, will you have a say in that.....
Please....Please....Please..... we are here to talk, you did a really sad thing however, that does not mean that you have to keep living in that place. You can and will make it through this.....Chicks
And board just one suggestion here..... play nice .....this person is a human being and is reaching out... why here I'm not sure...but the reason this board exsists is to help our bothers and sisters....old/new and everything in between......And at the very least we have a sister at the academy (through her significant other) that needs our help and support...
Last edited by Chickw/Guns; 04-23-2005 at 00:13.Contigo
04-22-2005, 19:28 #3
Well, I am a little blown away by your post. No, a lot blown away by it.
First, I am overwhelmed by your candor - and before anyone goes 'tough guy' on you, I think your honesty about this says a lot about you and I hope people reflect on their statements as much as you did before posting. I know I will ...
So let me start by saying that it sounds like you have reflected on both your actions and your responsibilities, and are starting to make sense of it. I say "sounds like" because, and this may or may not apply to you so don't get your bile duct working just yet, I've seen this sort of post-assault "I'm sorry, baby," BS before. Sometimes the assaulting party really means it, and sometimes they don't.
Because we are here, and because you have come forward like this, I am going to assume you really mean it bro, but I think you need to keep reflecting on it. Don't let the catharsis of spilling your guts here relieve you of the guilt you feel. Getting it off your chest doesn't change anything - it happened, you f***ed up royally and apart from your future, you have, as you know, hurt someone who trusted you. You have no doubt lost a lot of that trust now, and better pull your head out and realize this is the mother of your child - you need her trust and you better bust your bag earning it back. You already know that, as you said as much, but I wanted to reinforce it. It is key to recovering from this, both for you and for her.
Related, your desire to seek assistance is a brilliant idea. Not because it will show effort on your part, but this is something you can do for YOU that will help everyone else. It's win-win.
Next, get the notion of offing yourself out of your head - another reason to talk to a professional - and focus on what you said: you have kids and a family and people who love you and need you. It isn't about you Jay - life is often about others, especially those who are affected by you. The lack of self-control you showed last night may be humiliating to you personally, and perhaps ruinous to you professionally, but this is no longer about you. This is about you being the man you acknowledge you want to be. This a challenge you created, and one only you can overcome. It wonâ€™t be easy, as it probably shouldnâ€™t be, but it will be worth it. You are clearly not stupid â€“ you can recover from this, with enough effort and time.
Finally, you said your relationship will endure if it is God's will. Well, that is no doubt true, but one of my favorite sayings is, "Pray as if everything depends upon God; Act as if everything depends upon You." And that means taking the steps you can to make this right - finding assistance, being honest, and doing all you can to re-earn her trust (if you can) - those need to be your only priorities.
As I said, your candor in even mentioning this here says something, and all the words came out right. Now put your money where your mouth is and take those steps you yourself posited.
I don't know how this will work out for you - you may lose your marriage, and you may have flushed the FLE down the crapper too - but I do know you can still be a good man, a great father, and a loving husband; things that, in the longer view, matter more than what you do for a living.
I am sorry this happened - not to you, but by you Jay - and I will say a prayer, first for your wife and children, then for you as well. I hope your reflections and insights are not ephemeral, and that you will commit yourself to those tasks which will honor those people to whom you have already committed yourself.
Be safe - and thank you for sharing this Jay because I hope others who have such issues do as you suggest: seek help before it becomes a tragedy.
Last edited by PEACE; 04-22-2005 at 19:35.Better a hundred enemies outside the tent, than one inside.
- Arabian proverb
04-23-2005, 00:05 #4Officer
- Join Date
- Jun 2004
Your post has left me "speechless". Not become I'm angered by it. Not because I think you are a terrible person. But because I can empathize with your situation. As a Victim Services Counselor (and in my personal life) I know about this all too well. I'm not here to judge you, or to make you feel like sh*t. Your conscious is doing that just fine. I'm here because I know that you are in a great deal of pain. You and your family are in a great deal of pain. It sounds as though you and your wife and been keeping "walled up" for a very long time. It was just a matter of time before it all came to a boil.
The main thing I want to address is your comment about you wanting to end your life after what you did to your wife. This concerns me greatly. I would urge you....BEG YOU...that if you are indeed feeling suicidal...feeling as though you want to hurt yourself....CALL SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY. There are numerous hotlines. Call your pastor, or best friend. Whoever it may be, just talk to some. I know that your are feeling as though you have hit bottom, and you want to inflict as much pain upon yourself as you think you've inflicted upon your family, but "ending it" is not the answer. I know where you are coming from. You don't want to end your life. You just want the pain and chaos to end. Regardless of what happens between you and your wife, your children still need a father. You will not be doing them an "favors" or "sparring them" by doing some rash.
From your post, I assume that you are a man of (some) faith. Then you realize that things happen for a reason. While what happend is a tragedy, it would be a greater tragedy if you do not use this opportunity to turn your life around and get the help that you and your family needs. EVEN if your wife leaves you, or decides that she does not want counseling, YOU and YOUR children still need it. You definitely need it because you need to address your anger, resentment, pain....you do not want a repeat of last night. You do not want to explode again because you have let things build up for too long. Your children need it because regardless of their age, they are being greatly effected.
I wish I could tell you that things will work out. But no one can promise that. You can only do the best that you can. Take responsiblity...get the help you need...salvage whatever relationships that you can... and as my mother use to say "put it in the hands of God".
You and your family will be in my prayers.
Please be safe and feel free to PM if you want to "talk".
Last edited by Cyra; 04-23-2005 at 00:08."Fear is temporary. Regret is forever"
04-28-2005, 01:10 #5jaygib Guest
First of all I wanted to say a special thank you to all that read my original post on this subject and merely provided prayers for my family at a difficult time. As well I want to say thank you to all who have responded to me both in the public forum as well as privately to offer support and encouragement even when my actions did not warrant those efforts. I also am very thankful for the police officers in my community that provided compassion and respect for me; inspite of my horrible actions causing this it was a much needed blessing to be treated like a valued person regardless of my admitted mistake. My respect and appreciation of law enforcement officers has only grown.
Today I attended my first counseling session. It is not a requirement of the court but something I want and know is far overdue. Admittedly nothing came out of it but it is nice for me to go into counseling for me, and not with the intent of using it as quasi-marital counseling. I understand it will take alot of effort but I am really looking forward to doing the work to become an emotionally healthy person.
Again thank you to all that have expressed concerns for myself and family either directly or through the Higher Power. Jason
04-28-2005, 07:06 #6Sergeant
Originally Posted by jaygib
- Join Date
- Jul 2004
- Rhode Island
I read this a few times, and I'm not 100% sure if you meant you were surprised that nothing came out of it or not. Just in case you did, I just wanted to emphasize to you that one session won't bring much of a resolution. I think you know that, but I figured I would say it anyway.
Heck, 5, 10, 20 sessions may not do it. These things take time ... but it will be worth it. If you are serious about your therapy and you are doing it to be a better, happier person it will work.
I hope your wife and kids are doing well ... and I hope you will be ok soon as well.
Take care and God Bless.
04-28-2005, 22:05 #7Officer
- Join Date
- Oct 2000
I just stumbled across your post(s)...I don't normally read this particular forum, but for some reason, here I am.
I just want you to know that you sound very sincere in your desire to turn things around. I wish you the best of luck. I don't have any specific advice...the others in this thread have given you a lot to think about. (But for inspiration, look at the St. Francis quote in the signature line of this message. It has helped me a lot).
Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.