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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2004

    Dealing With The Sudden Death of a Loved One

    First of all, thank you for this wonderful forum. Approximately 1 month ago I lost my beloved Dad in a car accident, no drunk driving issues were involved, he simply did not see a vehicle approaching as he negotiated a left turn and the car T-boned him, he expired almost instantly. I guess I am dealing with this traumatic event ok, better than the first week anyway when I was in a haze and found myself leaving post-it notes everywhere to remember the simplest tasks. My feeling is that 80% of me is coping and 20% is still in some disbelief. My dad was 72, but I was extremely proud of his attitude about life, he was always optimistic, and quick to point out the bright side, he had a wonderful sense of humor and a kinder (took stray dogs to the vet. at his expense, and bought underprivilged kids Christmas gifts) individual never lived, he also looked younger than some guys in their 50's that I work with, I talked to him every day, and then suddenly he is gone. I am supporting my mom (and sister) through this, but am wondering if anyone here has gone through a similar situation, and how you coped, thanks for reading, and never be afraid to tell those close to you what they mean to you, my one solace is that dad knew we loved him and he was a happy man.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Behind a desk, crying
    Sorry for your loss.
    It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. - Niccolo Machiavelli

    Most people respect the badge, everybody respects the gun.

    I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. - Colonel Jessup

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    New York State
    Most all of us have experienced the loss of someone very close to us. I certainly have. Have faith. It will not get better but it will get easier with time. Also, do not feel that you have to be strong or provide all the support for your family. Let family and friends support you as well. You're all in the grieving process together. Finally, understand that while most everyone travels the same path of grief, we don't travel at the same rate. It will take some longer than others. All of these things are OK.

    Be safe and feel free to reach out whenever.
    "There is no second place winner"-- Bill Jordan

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    South of the "Linc"
    Lost my Mom about 3 months ago to cancer. Sorry for your loss. Having family and friends was the biggest help for me and just having a couple people that I knew I could call when ever. I always hvae my waife to confide in but sometimes it is nice to talk to different people and get different perspectives. Like Jim said, It doesn't get better but it does get a little easier.

    Take care and my regards to you and your family as the holidays arrive.
    "We will not rise to the occasion...we will only sink to our level of training." Grossman On Combat

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    While going through a tramatic event, such as a loss of a loved one, forgetting to do routine things, as you mentioned, is perfectly normal. I believe that you described it as a "haze". That's our bodies way of naturally dealing with the trauma. I remember going through a tramatic event and there were times that I would forget to eat. It would be 6:00 in the evening and I had completely forgotten to eat all day.

    It's hard when you lose someone that quickly in an accident. There is no prepartion. It's not like he was diagnosed with and disease and the doctor fore warned you so that you could prepare for the loss. It just happened. That is difficult.

    I agree with JimSpoor, just a little different wording. You never "get over it", you more or less just learn to live with it somehow. Try to follow in your father's footsteps of being a great man. You mentioned some great things that he did. Well, be that man and do those things. It will comfort you to know that he would be proud of you.

    Also, more along the lines of what JimSpoor said, take your grief as it comes. We live in a "get over it" society. We are expected to suck it up and forget about it. I have no idea why our society has gotten in such a bad trend, but we have. But just remember, you don't have to get over it. If someone doesn't understand grief or your grief, than nothing has ever meant anything to them and that is not a person that you need around. A life without passion is no life at all.

    There is no easy way to get through grief. You just got to let it take its course. Try your best to stay on a normal routine. Eating right, no drinking, no drugs, etc.

    I can tell you from experience that I hate grief. That is why you see me react so strongly on this forum towards others in grief. It is the most horrible thing to feel loss. I would rather take the pain of the world on my shoulders than watch someone go through it.

    Just remember that your father is a child of the most high God and he is home now. You will see him there one day.

    Sorry for your loss,
    "From whence comes the purpose of a person's life?.....Come it by chance, a casting of the lot, or does a call of destiny beckon to each of us?"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2004

    Thank You

    All for your kind words, as I said, I choose to move forward and honor my dad in action and deed, I know he would say to me to keep smiling and carrying on in this great adventure called life. Kristin, I can't tell you what your wonderful words meant to me, you are indeed a wise and compassionate person, all my best! NFC.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Kristin did an beautiful job of providing very sound advice. As she said, you will be in a "haze" for awhile (I refer to it as being in a fog), but it will clear up and you will be able to cope with it better over time.

    A friend put it to me very well when my dad died suddenly about twelve years ago, that the pain and hurt never goes away, but our ability to cope or deal with the pain and hurt gets better over time. That advice was some of the best to help make sense of the feelings.

    Losing a loved one suddenly just overwhealms the body because of the disbelief we naturally go through. Things will just not make sense. Take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to talk about your feelings, as they will be all over the map. You will find yourself thinking "hey I need to call Dad and need to ask him....," and then suddenly realize you can't. Those things like will happen for some time, as I still will do that from time to time.

    Sorry for your loss and our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in your time of need.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Southeast U.S.

    hang in there bro

    My brother in Law enforcement,
    I am very sorry you loss your father and I say this sincerely.
    I lost my father suddenly 4 years ago like you. I thought the same of my father as you describe. Very close to him and he was the best. My mother passed away less than 1 year ago. It is very tough. But, I want to tell you I relate to you. You can pray and have faith that God will heal you heart. And, or you can have people around you for support. I went to a grief group when my Dad died, I don't care if I admit it, I had to go to a group at the church for support, other people had lost a person, father, brother, sister, spouse, or child. It was very helpful - I say it is a great thing called - griefcare, If you want to look it up. I just want to encouarage you man, You will make it through this and it is normal to be forgetful or feeling like you have , perfectly normal for a sudden loss. Take one day at a time and use the support of people around you whether friends, a group, or the church. Hang in there brother. It will get easier for you, I promise.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2000
    Henderson, NV
    My condolences on your recent loss.

    You've received some good input here. But please, if all these things fail to resolve your issues, don't be a "do-it-yourself-er". There are numerous services that you can be referred to. Don't be put-off by talking to a professional counselor and working through your issues. This is particularly the case as you support your Mom and Sister.

    As a Peer Counselor at DEA, I've worked through alot of these issues with LE types as well as families. If you need it, seek outside help. In the interim, stay close to your family for their needs, but DON'T FORGET yourself!

    Work out more often than you usually do as it's great for your head as well as your body. Stay positive and stay focused! Again, my thoughts are with you. Best, DM
    Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!
    Hunter S. Thompson



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